Well whaddaya know?
Life goes on.
I saw a reflection of what I felt earlier in a friend/colleague's eyes. She looked at me, "How you doing... Surviving?"
"Yep, just about."
She nodded, then said. "It's too bad, we fall in that mode of just surviving. That's no way to live a life."
Wise woman she is.
I walk through my days it seems, drawing myself aside to say "look at that spectacle. Good thing none of it's real."
I imagine myself staring at my other self, agog. Then I doubt reality again. Wonder how I made it this far on just whatever I threw together. I wonder why I can't find it within myself to run just a little better, to just get through whatever block is in my way. I wonder if there isn't a part of me that believes I'm a superhero, just waiting for my powers to emerge and make the mundane things irrellevant and easy. Or if I just don't want to succeed, because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of making a mistake, so if I fail before I can make the choice, I never make that mistake. And to fail out of ROTC would be the mistake I would most regret in my life.
Part of me just believes that it will happen because I want it to, that reality will just warp to my will. Or that reality doesn't exist, and it's all a dream.
Mostly I just don't understand why it hurts so much for me, or if I'm just a wimp, or if I'm a hypochondriac, or if that's just an excuse, or if I should just be able to go through the pain, that it's not too much. If running hurt like lifting weights or anything else, then I would be a pro, which I think is what it's like for other people. But not for me. I just wish I had a shortcut. And I wish it was easier to eat healthy here. There are so few healthy choices, and the unhealthy is shoved in your face all the time. And I'm stressed, so there goes two pounds I lost right back on. I feel heavy today, like my feet and shoulders hurt. I think I really need to focus on my diet more, because if I could drop 20 pounds, it would be SO much nicer to run I think, and less pain in my feet. I hope.
Ok, well, now that I'm done with midterms, I can haul myself out of this rut, and focus on cleaning up my act. Starting with my room. (It's SO MESSY.)
By y'all,
Wisps have fun tonight!
I saw a reflection of what I felt earlier in a friend/colleague's eyes. She looked at me, "How you doing... Surviving?"
"Yep, just about."
She nodded, then said. "It's too bad, we fall in that mode of just surviving. That's no way to live a life."
Wise woman she is.
I walk through my days it seems, drawing myself aside to say "look at that spectacle. Good thing none of it's real."
I imagine myself staring at my other self, agog. Then I doubt reality again. Wonder how I made it this far on just whatever I threw together. I wonder why I can't find it within myself to run just a little better, to just get through whatever block is in my way. I wonder if there isn't a part of me that believes I'm a superhero, just waiting for my powers to emerge and make the mundane things irrellevant and easy. Or if I just don't want to succeed, because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of making a mistake, so if I fail before I can make the choice, I never make that mistake. And to fail out of ROTC would be the mistake I would most regret in my life.
Part of me just believes that it will happen because I want it to, that reality will just warp to my will. Or that reality doesn't exist, and it's all a dream.
Mostly I just don't understand why it hurts so much for me, or if I'm just a wimp, or if I'm a hypochondriac, or if that's just an excuse, or if I should just be able to go through the pain, that it's not too much. If running hurt like lifting weights or anything else, then I would be a pro, which I think is what it's like for other people. But not for me. I just wish I had a shortcut. And I wish it was easier to eat healthy here. There are so few healthy choices, and the unhealthy is shoved in your face all the time. And I'm stressed, so there goes two pounds I lost right back on. I feel heavy today, like my feet and shoulders hurt. I think I really need to focus on my diet more, because if I could drop 20 pounds, it would be SO much nicer to run I think, and less pain in my feet. I hope.
Ok, well, now that I'm done with midterms, I can haul myself out of this rut, and focus on cleaning up my act. Starting with my room. (It's SO MESSY.)
By y'all,
Wisps have fun tonight!
posted by Elysia @ 23:02
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