Cliche

Good lord I got the most cliche text message today. It's unfortunate I didn't feel well enough to travel today, I really wish I could have been home right now so I wouldn't be alone in my room ready to think hard and long and philosophize. Then again I live for living, thinking.
So I'm sure you're curious. I have no malice or fear or shame. I feel like talking about the way people work today.
"Stay the fuck away from my boyfriend. Id better not have to tell you again."
Beautiful in its lack of real meaning. I did not ever suspect I would be in a position where I would get a message like that. As a side note, I quite despise the general situation that this usually accompanies. In fact I'm not sure I don't despise the situation as it is, despite its extenuating circumstances.
It's interesting to see how people always look to the outside sources for their problems. I highly doubt I'm a powerful enough seductress to blind someone completely from their own choices. Or even to draw someone away from someone they love. Especially since I haven't tried to do either. For once I wish people would take responsibility for their own existance. Just that, nothing else.
It entertains me when I can listen to songs and know that I've been through exactly the stuff they're singing about.
Psychology is so interesting. I despise people that don't even bother to question the world around them enough to realize that half of what they do isn't really them at all but rather their learned behaviours getting in the way.
like the just world philosophy. That if you don't deserve it, bad things won't happen to you. People look in from the outside and say, "well, that person must have done something to get what happened to them." But whenever something happens to you, you always blame it on other people or the world or fate or god or whatever the fuck you want. Just so you don't doubt yourself. Because if you did, you would hate yourself, you would die inside. You have to believe that you are better than everything around you, or you have already lost the fight and may as well give up.
This just world crap. Betcha most conservatives believe it. Did you know that a great population believes that HIV and AIDS come from sin? Terrible. The world isn't just, it is a struggle for survival. Even viruses. Just world.
You see this a lot with rape. Did you know, that a serial rapist is much more likely to go for miss prim and proper than to go for the sexily dressed girl? Because of the greater damage to be done, the greater power to be had. Women of all shapes and sizes are raped. It has nothing to do with whether they are sexually attractive to the general public. People confuse rape with ravishing. Ravishing is completely different, and is an expression of great attraction. Many people have fantasies about being ravished, which is not wrong. To be ravished is to be so attractive to someone that they have to have you. In one's fantasy, it is a validation of being completely attractive. Consent is always necessary if this fantasy is ever to be acted out.
Consent is always needed. Not saying no isn't consent either. A clear and competent yes is required. Rape is about power, about destruction. This is something our society should have learned by now. But it hasn't. There's always blame laid on the victims or survivors.
Good lord I'm feeling a lovely touch of existentialism right now. How odd.
Another thing that annoys me; the fact that our language has no equal substitute for a point of exclamation, most of which contain something having to do with a religious reference. We all know I'm an atheist. And yet using a phrase like "Good lord" comes out. Perhaps because it is something people understand. But I wish I could use something else, without losing the power of my intent.
Too bad.
You know, I really wish I had gone home, fought the sickness and tortured myself. I'm hungry. I would like to sit on the couch at home and eat homecooked food. I have no groceries right now so I can't cook. Depressing. I'm pretty much hungry as hell. I guess I'll see if I can get a pizza. Ok. I ordered a pizza. I hate doing that. It better be good. I like their sauce though. That's very important. I'm the sauce master at home haha.
Something I've realized about myself. I'm obsessed with personal perfection. Wierd seeing as how I'm not a perfectionist on a lot of things. But I believe it comes from this deep knowledge that life is short and I don't want to waste a second. I like things going the way I want them to. But I enjoy the problems too. I'm glad of the pain I've experienced because I have learned from it and felt it and experienced life. Nothing else can give me that. When I was younger I read so much, and I used to think that I gained experiences through that. Which I did. There are so very many things I learned from Heinlein and McCaffrey and the like. But these greater emotions, these deeper wounds of love and pain. Such exquisite beauty befalls me now.

So I'm also a not-very-good songwriter or poet. I find poetry pretentious most of the time, but I will pay respect to its beauty when it better expresses meaning than the verbose. I love lyrics, but music I love even more because I think that is the greater method of expression. I write poetry sometimes, trying to better express the way I feel. It probably means more to me than anyone else who would read it. My mom told me that she used to have books full of poetry that she would write. I read some of her high school stuff she got published. It was amazing. I wish she would put some of her poetry up in the house. I was going to say instead of my art, but they took most of that down. Ah well. But I have my guitar, and my feelings, and my love of music, so I've been writing things. Doing things for yourself is a wonderful feeling. Like, everyone wants the validation of someone else in the universe hearing and liking what they create... but for now I am content to sing songs to myself.

Gosh I'm verbose tonight. I guess I'm waiting for pizza. I did have a pang of lonliness today, but I think I'm learning to trust my independance again. I was hiding from myself behind the facade of other people. Worth it, but I missed myself. I've always been my best company. I wish I had another novel to escape into. I have tired of computer games, because those experiences are nothing.... novels at least leave something behind, a false memory if you will. I guess I'll watch a movie. I have a few that I haven't seen in a while. I have way too many to choose from. I have stopped enjoying watching movies by myself though. Probably because people are unpredictable and new and movies are past tense. History. No chance for a different ending. I've never met a movie that kept going after the end, but I know plenty of ends where people kept going.

Ah well. Time to do something else. Eat, entertain self, go to bed early, get up early and go home.