Ninteen. Huh. Note to self - you are still a teenage girl sometimes.

Pride and Prejudice was a bad idea. I was doing ok having turned off my heart for a few days haha. Nothing like a romance to make you feel alone and unattractive. I took a nap today, so I thought I would be good for duty... but I think all the catching up I've been trying to do this week has drained me. Plus today was the first hard workout I've been up to for a long time. And as we all know when I don't get enough sleep, I start losing track of the positive emotions in my life. Today was actually stressful when you think about it. Had to go talk to a prof who is saying "I hope you don't bomb the final". Just what I need to hear of course. Thanks so much. Haha.
Honestly though, I miss having a boyfriend. It's been a good year and a half now since I've been in a relationship like that. I remember what it was like to stand next to someone and look out at the world with that little half smile knowing that what everyone thinks doesn't matter because a person, who is more than others to you, cares about you and views you as great. Friends and family can often substitute pieces of this, but someone who loves you, your lover, has a deeper bond. I remember those times. I know that eventually I'll be that confident all of the time, when I've made the mistakes and learned from them... at least on the normal fronts... ah well.
I try these days. I'm so much better than I was years ago. For instance I'm still wearing my wig. I even wore it to EBGB's.
Funny, it always reminds me of some teen magazine article I read a long while ago, where a girl asks the advice columnist saying something along the lines of "Nobody ever had a crush on me until I got my boyfriend, and now that I'm taken, I've had several boys start flirting with me etc."
To which the response was, "When you're with someone, often your confidence is greater, and you are more comfortable around others especially when you aren't worrying about being attracted/attractive to someone else."
And we all know that the badass confident people are always sexy/cool. So funny.
OMG I'm so glad it's almost twelves so I can nap for an hour and a half till twos. Rounds that is. I sure don't mind doing my job as an RA and doing rounds is actually usually fun. When your duty partner talks to you and there are people with their doors open to stop and chat with, it's really nice social time. Unfortunately, the halls are practically empty and Alicia's not very talkative tonight. People are going home or enjoying the weekend before they get down into the grind for finals. I meant to do math today, but it didn't happen. My brain really hurts today. But tomorrow should be good. I'll work out another reward system for myself. It seems to work well in half hour blocks, you know? 1/2 hour study, 1/2 hour play. I did get my paper turned in today though. That was good.
Having three classes in a day is seriously a bad idea. With PT, I'm always too tired to make it to more than two of three. My schedule next term is better. Mondays will suck, but since I will always dislike them anyway, better that I slam out that three hour lecture of a third class than have it more later in the week.
Gosh I'm so self pitying when I'm tired. I was just reminiscing about the good times I used to have with friends on friday nights, and how they're all probably out having fun without me and probably didn't even think of me and they didn't even miss me. How ridiculous is that? I mean I'm just letting my thoughts run, but phooey. I always run into that thing of 'how come nobody invited me?'
It's hard on your self esteem, no matter how good or cool a person you are, if nobody ever calls you up on a friday to hang out. Of course the alternative is did you call anyone else to hang out? The answer in my case is almost always no. I am most desperately afraid of appearing clingy or needy out of all my social interactive fears. Because everyone hates that person who tags along with the group, right? Or is that just what hollywood decided we should think so that we would doubt ourselves more. Haha.
There is a lot to be said for showing your own confidence and not caring so much who you sit by. But it always seems like the person I feel like sitting by goes and sits wherever they want, and people follow and suddenly your oh-so-confident self is all by yourself looking anti-social.
Of course, everyone loves an invitation to sit. I feel young again today. Hell, I'm only ninteen. This is only my second year of school. I've been trying to play on the field with people two or four years older than me and yet I'm still astonished when I don't keep up.
Ok, but we all have to admit that boys your own age are stupid comparatively for the most of your teenage years haha. I suppose that if I hung out with people younger than me I would have no trouble feeling cool and confident. And who wants to hang out with younger kids? haha. Dontcha just love running in circles?
So I end up moving backwards a little again. I tried to take too many leaps forward, and though I'm not one to retreat, I'm going to go back inside my comfort zone for a while I think. I played too many risky cards. Breath-catching time. I'm not forfeiting. I'm regrouping.
So I am a dark chocolate brunnette right now... ok fine, so it's only a wig... but it's freaking awesome. I like the change. I look good with bangs.
e-bay. Huzzah for material posessions. I have spent soooo much money this term as a comfort food haha. Of course, I can afford it temporarily. I'll let myself have that for this term, especially since it's been a damn long time since I've been able to really afford anything.
Ok... well it's time for roundses again. Then nap/rounds/sleep. And I don't have to wake up tomorrow till I'm ready!
G'night.