So when it rains... get ready for a fucking hurricane.

I feel like vomiting right now. Yeah, food was kinda disgusting today. But I'm trapped in my obsessions with people again. I am so sick of this. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, even when I'm under so much stress it makes me clingy and talkative. I really need to re-learn my ability to be a loner. I hate this.
I used to be happy. I think I was more self assured, more confident and I knew myself better back in those days. Maybe, maybe not. My friend told me once when I said that, that I was wrong and that I only thought I was better then because I'm naive and didn't know who I was in relation to the rest of the world. Probably true.
I don't understand how people are so shallow in their relationships and friendships. I think I threw everything of myself into these other people this time around, instead of keeping myself completely anchored around myself. I lost myself. But I gained a lot I guess. Why are people so afraid of taking those chances? Why can't they trust people with their hearts. Why can't people just relax and stop blaming each other for things we can't control?
And why the fuck does it always somehow end up being my fault? I'm pissed.
I hate myself more now than I ever have before. I've disappointed myself and made mistakes... but never have I truly looked at my reflection and felt so puzzled as to how this girl in front of me seems to be causing people so many problems and so much pain.
That's just it!
I've figured it out. I'm not meant to be a good guy. I'm supposed to be evil. I always did have that kleptomaniacal streak, and I enjoy a good violent movie, and machine guns, and blowing things up. And scorning people. And I can talk about myself a bunch. Well that's it! I guess I've figured it out; I will set out to become an evil mastermind.
No not really.
Whatever. Ok. Time for bedz.