You know...
I don't like doing things that I don't like. Huh.
Like getting up early. I would much rather stay up till 2 each night instead of going to bed at 10. I like being fit and looking good and being strong, but I don't like waking up early to do it, and wasting TWO AND A HALF HOURS for a mediocre workout.
I don't like going to work/class/anything every day. I don't like it because there are too many days in my life where I wake up and think "I don't feel so good" or "Why am I not out floating in the sun on a little skiff?" or "I just had an idea for a novel!"
So I hate consistancy. I hate doing the same thing. I hate eating at the same times every day. I hate taking the same route to things. I hate working excruciatingly hard with no result. I hate feeling unwell. More and more I begin to suspect I have a more fragile constitution. I get sick when I travel or get stressed, I tire easily, get headaches all the damn time... I need to find a career that lets me sit curled up in a soft chair on these days.
I like many aspects of the military. The brotherhood, the willingness to serve others, the carpe diem... I do not like the stupidity, inefficiency, hidebound ways, and the fact that I have to go through so much physical discomfort it becomes stressful. I have no problem with hard work. I don't mind doing my pushups and situps, I kinda like running sometimes. But the crap workouts we do, and the pressure that you're under to perform at 110% all the time.... well it sucks.
At this very moment, I want to say FUCK IT. I'm going to bed. I don't care about my job as an RA, I don't care about getting up in the morning and doing PT. I don't want to waste so much of my time on Army lolligaging so I'M DONE. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M TOO INTELLIGENT TO BE SOME PHYSICAL GRUNT.
And yet I'm a born leader. So I've been told by people who know. Maybe one day I'm destined for that greatness. Maybe if I stick with this Army thing, I'll be there when the shit hits the fan and have that chance to make a difference.
On the other hand, who cares. Maybe I'm better off living my life in a way that makes me HAPPY, having time to spend with people I care about, finding someone to love, creating life, bringing about change here.
I don't know. And with the way my stomach hurts right now... PT isn't looking likely, and I'll just get yelled at, and I hate that. I wish I could escape my weakness in my physical body. From birth it's been trying to set me back.
But would it be giving up?
I'll probably end up compromising. I won't quit, I'll just be trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if Captain Hagerman frowns at me and junk if I miss PT because I feel sick. Probably because I don't even have enough time to eat between classes and study. I'm so stressed that my body panics when I tell it to think about getting up at 5:30, and makes me sick so I can sleep enough and keep up without getting sick for real.
I went for a hard run today and it was pretty good. When I feel better I'll test myself for two miles as many days a week as I can handle it.
I mean, what do I do? In your head it's easy to pick the tough route. When your body hates you and you can't get through a day without breaking down into tears... that's another thing.
Teeter totter.
Anyway, time for rounds :)
Like getting up early. I would much rather stay up till 2 each night instead of going to bed at 10. I like being fit and looking good and being strong, but I don't like waking up early to do it, and wasting TWO AND A HALF HOURS for a mediocre workout.
I don't like going to work/class/anything every day. I don't like it because there are too many days in my life where I wake up and think "I don't feel so good" or "Why am I not out floating in the sun on a little skiff?" or "I just had an idea for a novel!"
So I hate consistancy. I hate doing the same thing. I hate eating at the same times every day. I hate taking the same route to things. I hate working excruciatingly hard with no result. I hate feeling unwell. More and more I begin to suspect I have a more fragile constitution. I get sick when I travel or get stressed, I tire easily, get headaches all the damn time... I need to find a career that lets me sit curled up in a soft chair on these days.
I like many aspects of the military. The brotherhood, the willingness to serve others, the carpe diem... I do not like the stupidity, inefficiency, hidebound ways, and the fact that I have to go through so much physical discomfort it becomes stressful. I have no problem with hard work. I don't mind doing my pushups and situps, I kinda like running sometimes. But the crap workouts we do, and the pressure that you're under to perform at 110% all the time.... well it sucks.
At this very moment, I want to say FUCK IT. I'm going to bed. I don't care about my job as an RA, I don't care about getting up in the morning and doing PT. I don't want to waste so much of my time on Army lolligaging so I'M DONE. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M TOO INTELLIGENT TO BE SOME PHYSICAL GRUNT.
And yet I'm a born leader. So I've been told by people who know. Maybe one day I'm destined for that greatness. Maybe if I stick with this Army thing, I'll be there when the shit hits the fan and have that chance to make a difference.
On the other hand, who cares. Maybe I'm better off living my life in a way that makes me HAPPY, having time to spend with people I care about, finding someone to love, creating life, bringing about change here.
I don't know. And with the way my stomach hurts right now... PT isn't looking likely, and I'll just get yelled at, and I hate that. I wish I could escape my weakness in my physical body. From birth it's been trying to set me back.
But would it be giving up?
I'll probably end up compromising. I won't quit, I'll just be trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if Captain Hagerman frowns at me and junk if I miss PT because I feel sick. Probably because I don't even have enough time to eat between classes and study. I'm so stressed that my body panics when I tell it to think about getting up at 5:30, and makes me sick so I can sleep enough and keep up without getting sick for real.
I went for a hard run today and it was pretty good. When I feel better I'll test myself for two miles as many days a week as I can handle it.
I mean, what do I do? In your head it's easy to pick the tough route. When your body hates you and you can't get through a day without breaking down into tears... that's another thing.
Teeter totter.
Anyway, time for rounds :)
posted by Elysia @ 00:10
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