Too much to ask.

There are so many huge life choices that are sitting around staring me in the eye. They're all throwing their pressures and requirements at me, with raised brows and fingers tapping expectantly at their watches. None of the options come without pain or disappointment, or risk of failure. Many of them have a permanence in their option. Once I select one way, I am closed off from all the other potentialities that make me curious.
One of my friends said to me last night, "Wait, why the hell ARE you a math major? You should switch to apparel design... I mean, you would be phenomenal."
And part of me is like, WTF, why am I putting myself through this torturous math program, for a job I don't really want, and paying for it by going through ROTC which is bringing nothing but pain and humiliation.
And I'm so tired. Stalling at these questions, waiting till it's time, but still having to put stress into them or fight the stress they create. My back is a mass of knots, but I don't have the energy to do anything about anything.
I don't like living life so that I can "JUST GET THROUGH THIS HARD PART" so I can rest... sleep... hide from life because I am so burnt out from everything it took out of me to keep up in the competition. It's always that necessity of putting more than you have to give into life just to compete. That stupidity of borrowing from yourself.
I think I'm gonna move. I'll just go write books and pain and drink wine in some little city and eat food that I like and do something I enjoy, and spend time with people I care about.
I am kinda bummed. A cute boy I met at a small party a while ago invited me to go check out his band play. I thought, gee, that would be fun... to just go chill and listen to music and see what else happens.
But no. It's the friday night of my FTX. So stupid.
Ok. Whatever. No fun and games. Work work work. That's the answer, right?