Change your mind

I like my wigs. I have far too many of them now, but that's ok. I like to wear them when I'm having an emotionally difficult day, or just when I'm being silly. I put them on to feel like someone else. Because I look very different.
It helps me step away from whatever small rut I find myself in. As if by changing my appearance that means I'm someone else, someone who is stronger or prettier or sassier. Whatever I need. And then I don't have to feel bad. Or at least I feel some comfort.
I woke up this morning and I desperately wanted to curl up in bed all day and watch movies and ignore the world. But I couldn't. Mondays are dreadfully full.
I had a great time this weekend at the FTX, playing ARMY, playing Leader. Playing competent and strong. Playing limitless.
And first thing I get back and feel helpless again. I don't know why I'm here anymore. My friends help. They keep me grounded. But I can't help thinking back to the woman who didn't doubt herself so much. The one who took on the world with a "Do your worst."
Perhaps I just need time to heal.
I just can't shake the feeling that some wounds are like tendon injuries; they never quite heal. You can build up around them, strengthen them, but they are always with you. That's ok. I guess that's life. That's baggage.
I'd like to travel light though.
I guess I'm capable of that again, of dumping this excess I attached to myself, this sick waste of life.

I just need a destination.

If I were weak, I'd turn to religon. It's not a very popular opinion, and I cherish everyone's freedom to believe whatever they want, but I find religon distateful personally. I think it is a crutch. A way to schluff off responsibility for one's existance. Or an excuse to put down other people. Rules so great that none can question them. But that gets into politics.
I speak in general terms. It's not that I've lost faith, I just discovered myself. A while back anyway. It's frightening to realize that each and every one of us is completely alone. We could be some flick of energy creating this existance as a dream.
So many possibilities.
I don't really care.

I just want a destination. Then it's easy. You just keep breathing, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Inch by inch. Somewhere.