Day 3
Massive levels of self-doubt right now. I feel like I did a horrible job at my meetings today. I don't even know what I went in expecting. I feel like that awkward kid that when they leave everyone is like "what was with her. Did she really think that things would go that way? Did she even think at all?"
I've got to do better at not taking things so personally. So it wasn't perfect. I got to meet some cool people, and it's not likely I'd get in there anyhow since there's not space in the program. Judy Hall still told me to apply, because miracles can happen as she said.
But man. I love nonverbal behavior, I love studying psychology. I don't know what the hell good either of those two things will do for me if I can't get in, or if I can't make myself marketable to be a useful PhD somewhere. I mean, there are already too many PhDs for too few positions. Could I become what I hate and be some consulting psychologist to some corporation that manipulates people to buy their shit?
I worry that research I do in this field will go that direction, even if I'm not the one implementing it.
I'm all stressed out and emotional. I have no interest in going and doing anything.
But I will. I guess that's what you do, you go do things.
I went and met my mom's friend Mark, whom she hasn't seen in like 27 years. A little odd to go meet someone who's a stranger by almost two degrees, but my mom said we'd hit it off, so I took a gamble. He's a great guy, interesting and energetic. He took me all the way over to the bay to see the buildings where the old declaration of independance was read, among other things. We chatted about science and medicine (he works in a research hospital) and politics, and all sorts of things you might not normally talk about with someone you've just met. But anyway, he was cool, and I completely forgot about feeling lame and being worried about grad school.
Well, there's a group maybe going for some live blues now so I'm going to head down and join them I think.
I've got to do better at not taking things so personally. So it wasn't perfect. I got to meet some cool people, and it's not likely I'd get in there anyhow since there's not space in the program. Judy Hall still told me to apply, because miracles can happen as she said.
But man. I love nonverbal behavior, I love studying psychology. I don't know what the hell good either of those two things will do for me if I can't get in, or if I can't make myself marketable to be a useful PhD somewhere. I mean, there are already too many PhDs for too few positions. Could I become what I hate and be some consulting psychologist to some corporation that manipulates people to buy their shit?
I worry that research I do in this field will go that direction, even if I'm not the one implementing it.
I'm all stressed out and emotional. I have no interest in going and doing anything.
But I will. I guess that's what you do, you go do things.
I went and met my mom's friend Mark, whom she hasn't seen in like 27 years. A little odd to go meet someone who's a stranger by almost two degrees, but my mom said we'd hit it off, so I took a gamble. He's a great guy, interesting and energetic. He took me all the way over to the bay to see the buildings where the old declaration of independance was read, among other things. We chatted about science and medicine (he works in a research hospital) and politics, and all sorts of things you might not normally talk about with someone you've just met. But anyway, he was cool, and I completely forgot about feeling lame and being worried about grad school.
Well, there's a group maybe going for some live blues now so I'm going to head down and join them I think.
posted by Elysia @ 14:31
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