Shallow water makes it easier to stay afloat

So my blog is an obnoxious collection of events and surface feeling recently. That's fine, but I miss when I was able to pull out the deeper parts of what I was feeling at any given time.
Right now I hate how I feel. I feel powerless, empty, alone, irrationally moody, like a slob, fat, ugly, unwanted, tired, lesser than I thought I was.
My recent posts have been posted, because of procrastination, or a need to not feel completely disconnected from the world, but alas, they only make things worse.
Shallower water, its easier. You don't have to fight or struggle, it's calm, unaffected by the pull of the waters. It is strong, and simple.
I hurt too much to feel.
And the worst of it is that everything I feel, feels unjustified. Because I'm pretty much happy, I have food, shelter, college, some friends, many aquaintances. I have a lot. But I think the hardest part is that I don't know what I want. Most of the people on my staff are religious. In fact, there're only three people who aren't out of twenty. Every time we try to have a real conversation, we run into that. I hate being pushed away for my own ideas. I don't go to some of my classes right now, and worst, my PT test is coming up, and I just don't know if I can do it, and there's so much SO MUCH pressure for me to do it and people saying, "oh, that's easy" and everything I do gets me nothing or even makes it worse because I'm tired, and stressed, and alone.
And I don't know why I'm doing any of this, other than because I am.
So it hurts to think about any of this.
I have the re-arranging bug today too, which is a signal of great stress for me. I hope that tomorrow I can make some time to just do it, because that is a way that I cope, it is a release, so we'll see.
I just need a break, and I won't get one for three weeks or more, and it's only going to get worse from here on out.
I need to let go, and get to bed.
Anyone who reads this, I just want you to think for a moment about the people around you, and how hard everyone is fighting every day of their life. I hope you can just appreciate them just a little more. Take that ounce, and affirm them. I don't care if you think they're stupid, or you don't like their morals or politics. They are part of the universe too, and they just might surprise you.