Sentience

I hate this thing. This ability to know that something hurts, to interact on a level more than push pull, more than yes and no.
I want you to think about your best friend. Would you give your life for that person? Would you give them the greatest sacrifice you could?
Isn't that an interesting thought? Think about it. But of course you can't really know until you're right there.
But have you done them a greater disservice yet? How much time have you spent with them recently, caring about them, talking to them, hearing the worst times, the unimportant things?
Have you reached for them?
Have you trusted them enough to let them see you for what you are?
I know several people who would be there for me if I needed it. First; what constitutes need? Is that the kind of need that if I was on the run and needed someone to back me up? Or somene who will tell me not to jump when on the ledge? Second; I find the true friend must be the person who is there for me when I don't need it. Why can't people be there everyone?
Why are we so afraid of being dependant on people?
Perhaps because every time we do we are let down, because perfection is only a theory.
To my sorrow, I chose the wrong friends to dedicate myself to, and now I have lost everyone I trusted to my core. Some people don't know what it feels like to trust completely, to love someone that much. At the moment, I'm not sure I don't envy them. They don't know what they are without. I do, and it tears at the meaning of my life.
I am not as strong as I thought I was. I made a revelation today... rather I quit fooling myself for a moment. And here I am, crumbling, unhappy. And I am beautiful. I caught myself in the mirror as I cried. I don't understand. I lost my footing again. I was so afraid this would happen, and yet I did it anyway.
I don't understand anything. Not a damn thing.
So what good is this sentience? I am aware enough that I percieve the world and complexities and pain all around me, but everything I do brings pain, always pain even with the decent things. Everything is shot through with pain and fear.
I'm in a bad spot for the moment.
Counseling would be a good idea, I know. And I hope that someone can help me at some point. But we all know that the only patient that gets better is the one who wants to.
My brain is ready to end scene. Start new, universe. Reset. New show times at 10th and 700 billionth millenias.
The fight's been taken from me. The greatest hurt you can do to someone is to cut them away completely. Cutting them out. Making everything they feel baseless and self supporting, so that everything is inside them. It's like marching your armies to the plains where you expect to fight and come to some resolution... but you find nothing. And when you turn to march back and fortify your home, the attack never comes, and your home rots beneath you.

And no one cares.

I think I'm incapable of accepting endings. I hate the ends of movies and books and every good thing. I want resolution I think, and I'm fucked because I'm never going to get resolution because I am shut out, and I will never accept defeat, because I can't.
Sick.
Honestly, I have no will to do anything right now. I don't want to be awake, because it currently sucks. I don't want to sleep because that's pointless excapism. I don't want to play games, music... I have no interest in painting. I am deperate for something. I am shaking for something and nothing comes to mind except the horrific. I could be entertained to play with people. I am so afraid that this was the last new frontier for me, and now it has been pierced and emptied just like everything else I've loved in my life.
I'm sorry if you're reading this. It must be horrifically depressing. Please set it aside, live on as you have. For some reason, throwing words into the void holds some edge of validation in it, some chance that these words will be answered. I know they won't.