The surface of things

Does any action you take really mean anything if you only take it from the vantage of safety? If you leave no room for contingency?
Logic tells me to fear, to deny my feelings and see the truth.
Can I take it? If my hope is wrong, could I handle the disappointment? Could I handle what it would be like if I was right but let myself be scared away?
I don't know.
I've often discounted people's feelings as melodrama, or self-perpetuating emotions of what they think they're supposed to feel. I'm still quite sure that most people don't really feel half of what they act to. But I have learned that your body can really create the reactions that hollywood professes.
I've never been one to lose my appetite. And yet I now know what it's like to lose your appetite completely at just the glimpse of someone. The feeling of terror and excitement when opening a long awaited message. A feeling of hate and hurt so strong your chest tightens and you feel like vomiting would be an improvement on the way you're feeling at the moment. I know what it's like to stare at a wall for hours, to feel like there's nothing else worth doing. ever.
And here's yet another rant from the edge of a semi-depressed state. One that disappears around happiness and others, yet when given the pause to take a breath, returns like a massive chain draped across your shoulders.
I'm just short sleep. But there's nothing to be done when you have to get up at a certain time, but are incapable of going to sleep.
Whine whine whine. Anyway, hopefully this takes the edge off my emotions for a little while so I can study a little.
Hope?
A little hope. Not much, not far to fall... but a little.