Timing

I wonder... I wonder if sometimes, the universe is dedicated to getting some string of moments right. If things happen, if we make them happen so people come face to face. So that someone gets hit by a logging truck. So that a butterfly flaps it wings so that a hurricane starts across the country, so a woman loses her child in a flood, so that someone is moved by the destruction of the earth so they decide to save ten dollars each month to give to aids research, so that a researcher has the resources to do that second test and find the cure, so that a little girl won't be raped in the name of a rumored cure, so that she can grow up to be the mother of the first woman president of an arab nation, so that nation can lead the others to peace, to freedom, so that, just maybe, when the guardians of this quadrant of our galaxy take their millenial peek at us... they think, maybe, there's some hope for these creatures.
I wonder if facing someone that makes me physically sick to look at, makes my stomach twist in anger and pain and doubt... if that means something.
I wonder if I sabotage myself every day. And if I do, why... or why not?
I wonder if my pride made me miss that moment when someone else needed me, like I needed someone just so short a time ago. And maybe they're not as strong as me. And why can't I be stronger? Why can't I let anything go. I'm trying. It's different, but I refuse to turn the last pages, to close a chapter.
Am I really crying? Now, when I have had the freedom from anguish I've been desperate for, for months?
Am I just breathing.
Am I just waiting for that time when I flap my butterfly's wings?
Am I nothing more?

It's June 2nd. This year has been an age long. January 1st, how it set the tone. The thrill of racing down the mountain... that moment of ecstasy, happiness. The sudden rip of the mountain taking it's pound of flesh. So exactly the way of this year.

All the almosts,
Almost halfway there, through this year of trial. Almost making it to my second decade. Almost confident enough to go out on a limb. Almost moved on. Almost happy.
Come July 1st. Come August 2nd. Will anyone notice? Will I need them to?

I've been up too long again. Losing rationality, feeling justified in following the rabbit down its path. Still smart enough to know that I should go to bed. Or at least stop thinking seriously.

wisps, do me right.