It's funny how my relationship with Tyler ended. I've been quite bitter about those memories. It's surprising how many things remind you of an old relationship. Tyler and I used to watch stand up comedy together, and here it is on the tv. I look at my friends' blogs from high school, where he still posts. By the end of our relationship I had become so disgusted with him that just the thought of his narrow shoulders or lack of body-language skills, make me nauseaous. I'm not being petty, he really affected me that much. It was a fundamental flaw in our relationship - I had the great physical challenge of going into the military, where as he probably can't even run a block. He wouldn't even try for my sake. It seems like I did what he asked, but he couldn't even try to work out. The relationship became completely about him, about his job and his music and his headaches, and how it made him feel better to give me presents. That's the kicker, he gave me great gifts, things that I really wanted, but it wasn't for my sake, it was for his. In a way, it was noblesse oblige. Disgusting.
Even when he broke up with me, it was all about how he didn't want to deal with me. This is odd, he didn't care about me enough to give me a little space for just three days, three of the most difficult days in my life. I was moving to college, just three days he couldn't handle me not focusing on him.
The funniest part is how he never thought of me again after that day. He posted on his blog the day after he dumped me about how he left me for various reasons, and let's get on with me and my life. Sick.
What bothers me is how I'm still affected a year later. Maybe it's just because I'm too busy with my exciting life to think about it or to get really involved in another relationship. I feel like I wasted so much time with him.
There was this guy in my salsa dancing class. He was from Germany, so he thought he was pretty awesome. He had the same droopy eyes, same dark hair, same narrow shoulders and wide hips, same weak hands, same gross hairieness... I hated dancing with him. Twice a week I had to dance with this disgusting guy who kept hitting on me. He was so much like Tyler I almost walked out.
I don't relish being in the same city as him again.
Here, you can mostly avoid people you don't enjoy.
Hillsboro is a lot smaller.
I'm going to miss all the attractive guys here. More fun, less committement. And if you do stop liking them... well there are 150 seats in the class, and there's always one far enough away.
I just want to beat the crap out of him, once and for all. Just eliminate him. I had a dream last night... very complicated, but it involved me having to fight a man for my freedom. It's happened before, but this one was odd. Because regardless of what I did to this man, I would either be his captive, or his boss's. The boss was preferable, so I fought. He held some likness to Tyler as I choked him to somewhere between death and unconciousness, because the boss wasn't sure whether or not it was good enough to just smother him part way.
Odd. I've never killed anyone that slowly or that up close in my dreams. Usually there are too many things to kill, and there is usually a mortal weapon involved.
Of course, my brain had a lot of catching up to do. I haven't had enough time to sleep to get to rem sleep this past week, so dreams didn't happen. My dreams are usually quite wild after that.
I'm getting rather nostalgic, these last few days. I go home tomorrow. Exciting.
I'm starting to feel myself slipping away from Elizabeth, and my brother. I haven't talked to him in almost a month.
Elizabeth has changed a lot this year. I'll still love her always and forever. That hasn't changed. But her mannerisms have changed slightly. Her horizons are broader, she has so many new experiences that we didn't share. We'll have a lot of catching up to do this summer.
I'm killing time actually. I have a final I'll leave for in an hour. I've studied up already. I can't understand any better before the test. But I need to finish my notes.
Bitter feelings. Didn't do as well on physics as I had hoped.
Thinking. Makes me tired.
Well, off to make something out of my college years.
See you soon, whoever you are.
