These days

Driving in the cold air with the top down and the wind blowing your hair back... staring up at the stars as they change through the trees. You can see the galaxy, like seeing your neighborhood. There are thousands more of them than you felt before. You wonder how it is that you can forget what the sky really likes without city lights or clouds. Swiftly climbing the way up Mary's peak, Becky takes the curves and turns with a nonchalance that belies power. You're thinking that it couldn't really get more beautiful as audioslave plays in the wind, when you drive through the last layer of cloud and suddenly the number of stars double. Your heart pounds and your breath catches. You can hear nothing but the wind and Becky rumbling as she speeds up the peak. Your hands are freezing but you stick them out into the air anyway as you scrunch deeper into the oversized hoodie.
Your friends are ahead of you in a smaller car... a little more streamlined and cleaned up. But Becky just kinda smirks because she knows how much horsepower she really has. And it won't be too long before she'll look the part.
Then suddenly, the trees pull away and all you can see is sky. A hand finds yours after shifting Becky into a higher gear, grips tight as you both take it in. Words wouldn't be appropriate, even if you could find them. You exchange a quick smile. You wonder what it would be like to go faster.
When you get to the top, everyone piles out and grabs blankets. You try to find the few constellations you can remember, you share stories and bad jokes. You hold on to each other and try to catch a glimpse of meteorites as they burn. You shiver so hard your laughter comes out giddy and echoing in the silence. Someone mimics the stunts they saw in the car movie you watched before coming up. You can't remember being this happy and excited in a long time.
It's already tomorrow but you don't care. You know things will come at you later, but for now you just scrunch closer and breathe deeper as a meteor streaks and meets its demise above you.

You make a wish.

Connections

I've been studying this class, personality psychology...
As much as I whine about it and get frustrated, I am learning now how interesting it is.
Some of the theorists maintain that we are nothing without each other. Meaning that we have to have people around us for us to have personalities. Never quite sure about that.
But then people talk about this feeling of completeness when they find someone right for them. I can't deny that it exists. I love the feeling. Who doesn't?
But is that just the fact that your own identity is solid enough for you to feel comfortable with someone else, to feel independantly dependant on someone else? Could a self-actualized hermit feel the same thing when discovering a new hobby?
I wonder.
I like people, as much as I distance myself with pretentious eliteism and defenses. I like studying what makes them tick, but I also like being on the edge. Placing part of my existance in someone else's hands. Making things a variable. I wish people could see each other more clearly. Be more aware to the small things, to be able to sense the desperate precariousness of every interaction some people share. Sometimes I wish I didn't notice.
Happiness.... always, always coming with a price. Someone has to hurt someone at some point. I'm usually the one who gets hurt. I hate being the one to hurt someone else.

Music. Oh music.
I feel so alive right at this moment. So much myself. This person I missed, denied, hurt. She's back, and kindof at peace. I'm going to stare at the ceiling and listen for a little while.

On the waterslide of life

ALWAYS ALWAYS be the one screaming
WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
don't be the one screaming AHHHHHHH in fear.

But, don't forget to plan and bring your swimsuit or turn on the water. Butt burns no fun.


bye loves, I'm off to go down another slide!

Timing

I wonder... I wonder if sometimes, the universe is dedicated to getting some string of moments right. If things happen, if we make them happen so people come face to face. So that someone gets hit by a logging truck. So that a butterfly flaps it wings so that a hurricane starts across the country, so a woman loses her child in a flood, so that someone is moved by the destruction of the earth so they decide to save ten dollars each month to give to aids research, so that a researcher has the resources to do that second test and find the cure, so that a little girl won't be raped in the name of a rumored cure, so that she can grow up to be the mother of the first woman president of an arab nation, so that nation can lead the others to peace, to freedom, so that, just maybe, when the guardians of this quadrant of our galaxy take their millenial peek at us... they think, maybe, there's some hope for these creatures.
I wonder if facing someone that makes me physically sick to look at, makes my stomach twist in anger and pain and doubt... if that means something.
I wonder if I sabotage myself every day. And if I do, why... or why not?
I wonder if my pride made me miss that moment when someone else needed me, like I needed someone just so short a time ago. And maybe they're not as strong as me. And why can't I be stronger? Why can't I let anything go. I'm trying. It's different, but I refuse to turn the last pages, to close a chapter.
Am I really crying? Now, when I have had the freedom from anguish I've been desperate for, for months?
Am I just breathing.
Am I just waiting for that time when I flap my butterfly's wings?
Am I nothing more?

It's June 2nd. This year has been an age long. January 1st, how it set the tone. The thrill of racing down the mountain... that moment of ecstasy, happiness. The sudden rip of the mountain taking it's pound of flesh. So exactly the way of this year.

All the almosts,
Almost halfway there, through this year of trial. Almost making it to my second decade. Almost confident enough to go out on a limb. Almost moved on. Almost happy.
Come July 1st. Come August 2nd. Will anyone notice? Will I need them to?

I've been up too long again. Losing rationality, feeling justified in following the rabbit down its path. Still smart enough to know that I should go to bed. Or at least stop thinking seriously.

wisps, do me right.