Energy Drink = Bad idea

Then again, I did get my paper finished, with a whole half an hour to spare. Too bad I don't have enough energy to do anything else productive. I have to go to PT, and I'm not happy about it, but it is my last one before the PT test and then I will be done wearing a uniform till fall, so I shall be getting several piercings this weekend so they can heal over the summer. And research. I really keep trying to work myself into a panic in the hopes that that will motivate me to work hard, but I think it just stresses me out. I really don't have THAT much to do. I just have a final research project that overlaps between two classes, a difficult final for Psychology, a random paper for ROTC, and preparing for summer.
I'm terribly excited for summer. I'm really ready for it to be summer now.
I found out that I can take an online language course through the Army Knowledge Online special website now that I'm a contracted cadet. I think I may do that during the summer. Get all good on my German, maybe learn Tagalog since that's one of the biggest world languages. Some Arabic. And it's free since I'm in the Army.
Anyway, I need to try and force myself into sleep. Though this caffienne is nice because it makes me happy. Cheery even. Silly. I'll probably have sad dreams now
All my dreams have been wierd lately. All intense and depressing or just plain tiring.
Ack, no more distraction.
Bed.
Ugh.

Gimmie something

Interesting. Back to my inability to title things immediately. Usually I have been able to come up with some title before I write. But back when I started this blog, I didn't ever have titles for a long time. Maybe it just means that the brain tissue I lost while being so sick and starving is finally beginning to regenerate.
Hey guess what? I'm back.
I feel like myself again for the first time in months. It's not that I have reverted to my old self. Hardly. I've gained a lot from many experiences, changed. Grown. But I'm not pretending anymore. I'm not trying to fake myself into a life I don't have.
I went home for the weekend. It felt really good. Spent some awesome time with my family, went to a great double-header of baseball. Ate homemade pizza, watched TV with my mom. Found a dress in goodwill for like $7, that I would have paid hundreds for. It was one of those moments where you put something on and feel instantly completely gorgeous. Black, floorlength, exotic... amaaaazing. Aaaand, I got a sewing machine... a fancy one. I'm SO excited. Now I'm going to make the things I just dream up. If you want a dress for something, I'll design and make one for ya. At cost... haha, soooo exciting. Because you all know that I have WAY too many clothes as is, so I can't really justify making more for myself really. But if it's for someone else...
Ok, so I have to clean up my room as best I can to help make it through these last two weeks. But I just thought I'd update, I took several steps, all forward. And these aren't the ones you take back, not for a while anyway.
The sun on the trees is really beautiful tonight.

Steps

Steps forward, steps back. Steps around and around.
You know, I made a lot of them today. I made hundreds as I ran a good hard run with my Army workout. I made a few as I trudged slowly between classes. I made several both ways with old wounds. More forward than back I think.
I'd like to be proud of myself, but then I fear that I look conceited. I'd like to believe I'm pretty, but then I feel vain. I'd like to feel a lot of things, and sometimes I do, but if nobody ever reinforces it, it's hard to believe.
If I am as interesting or capable as I thought I was, then why is it so hard for people to include me in their lives? I am torn between my shyness that keeps me from stepping out of my comfort zone, and the logic that understands people. I am so terrified of people, because they are a variable. And maybe they're all just as terrified as I am that nobody likes them enough to care... when really everyone is just too afraid of looking needy or pathetic.
Well damnit I am needy and pathetic. When I hit so low a point in depression, even my better judgements are superceeded by my need for attention and affection.
I try to show others that I care for them. They don't get it. That's ok. Most people have to take care of themselves as a priority, and that's ok.
I guess I'm just lonely. I set my expectations through the roof, and occasionally the brilliant flash of the exquisite touches my life. But then I am simply empty, dying inside over that next level up, that even better ambrosia.
Oh well. This frustration does me little better for being expounded on an empty page which several read but few actually care enough to talk to me about. I suppose sleeping is a better idea.

Change

It's interesting. I was reading some of my old blog posts, actually my very first ones, from right before I came to OSU.
I was so lighthearted then. Not really I'm sure. I'm sure I was frustrated and scared as I am now... but I wish I could go back to then, where my biggest problems were remembering the hours of the dining center and making new friends. It feels like the difference between being a child and an adult, though I am well aware that I am still just 19.
I want a fresh start, like that.
It seems the vitamins I took are helping a little. Hopefully I can make my room seem a little more possible. Make my assignments feel a little more like I can get them done. Make my pain a little simpler. Make life a little more believeable.
I feel like I'm in a shake test. You know, where they take something, strap it down, and a big machine shakes it until it shatters. Just to see how much it can take. I'm being shaken apart and I can only keep it together so long at this intensity.
I want to go home. I really want to go home for a few days.
I just don't know if I can keep it going. I'm tripping up. I'm stumbling. I've managed to force one foot in front of the other, just catching myself along the way. But I'm still falling, and soon I'll be crawling under this weight.
Anyway, I'm making some good progress today. Stupid pie was inedible though. Damn people put berries that were practically dried in it. Couldn't even chew it. Grr.

Titles... Back to where I was with post #1

I don't think anyone would say that the moments you spend waiting before you go off the diving board are empty. Time is being spent on doing absolutely nothing. You are waiting, standing still. Yet you could cut the air with a knife.
I think for twenty minutes and my brain is so tired I want to sleep for hours. I so much as hint to my brain that I need to write a big paper, and I feel weak.
I am quite sick of this.
It's like my room. I keep trying to clean it, to make it more functional. But every time I merely pick up the pieces and before any real change is made, I am exhausted and cannot continue.
I have hope.
But I am worried. I look at my future and see a major I'm not enjoying. I see limited choices. Disappointments. Suffering. I can't see the good things to hope for. I can't see the possibilities. All my experiences this year will be mimiced next year. I have still so many responsibilities.
This is wasting my time too. I have to get something done.

Personal Space

So when you pass by someone, you often let them move into your personal space with the understanding that such proximity is uncomfortable at best and that they will get out of it as soon as practical. This is why it is merely annoying.
When someone gets in your space when you mean to pass them and physically blocks you from continuing on their path, then they have started something. This is a remarkably agressive move, and when used by someone who is not intelligent enough to be aware of their actions, can be very problematic.
Some people are recliners. People who have never felt real surges of adrenaline and agression. They have no idea how close people can come to reacting to such an offense in a basic manner. They are lucky most of us have been trained away from standard reactions.
And then they piss us off intellectually by saying they didn't get in our face. The illogic is astounding.
I had quite a bit of ranting, but I'm just going to say this; treat those around you with respect. Simple respect. You are not better than everyone else. Better than a few people quite probably, but if you catch yourself thinking you're better than most of the people around you, then you are wrong.
Don't get in my face for the next couple days, I'm not reacting well to it.

The surface of things

Does any action you take really mean anything if you only take it from the vantage of safety? If you leave no room for contingency?
Logic tells me to fear, to deny my feelings and see the truth.
Can I take it? If my hope is wrong, could I handle the disappointment? Could I handle what it would be like if I was right but let myself be scared away?
I don't know.
I've often discounted people's feelings as melodrama, or self-perpetuating emotions of what they think they're supposed to feel. I'm still quite sure that most people don't really feel half of what they act to. But I have learned that your body can really create the reactions that hollywood professes.
I've never been one to lose my appetite. And yet I now know what it's like to lose your appetite completely at just the glimpse of someone. The feeling of terror and excitement when opening a long awaited message. A feeling of hate and hurt so strong your chest tightens and you feel like vomiting would be an improvement on the way you're feeling at the moment. I know what it's like to stare at a wall for hours, to feel like there's nothing else worth doing. ever.
And here's yet another rant from the edge of a semi-depressed state. One that disappears around happiness and others, yet when given the pause to take a breath, returns like a massive chain draped across your shoulders.
I'm just short sleep. But there's nothing to be done when you have to get up at a certain time, but are incapable of going to sleep.
Whine whine whine. Anyway, hopefully this takes the edge off my emotions for a little while so I can study a little.
Hope?
A little hope. Not much, not far to fall... but a little.

You know...

I don't like doing things that I don't like. Huh.
Like getting up early. I would much rather stay up till 2 each night instead of going to bed at 10. I like being fit and looking good and being strong, but I don't like waking up early to do it, and wasting TWO AND A HALF HOURS for a mediocre workout.
I don't like going to work/class/anything every day. I don't like it because there are too many days in my life where I wake up and think "I don't feel so good" or "Why am I not out floating in the sun on a little skiff?" or "I just had an idea for a novel!"
So I hate consistancy. I hate doing the same thing. I hate eating at the same times every day. I hate taking the same route to things. I hate working excruciatingly hard with no result. I hate feeling unwell. More and more I begin to suspect I have a more fragile constitution. I get sick when I travel or get stressed, I tire easily, get headaches all the damn time... I need to find a career that lets me sit curled up in a soft chair on these days.
I like many aspects of the military. The brotherhood, the willingness to serve others, the carpe diem... I do not like the stupidity, inefficiency, hidebound ways, and the fact that I have to go through so much physical discomfort it becomes stressful. I have no problem with hard work. I don't mind doing my pushups and situps, I kinda like running sometimes. But the crap workouts we do, and the pressure that you're under to perform at 110% all the time.... well it sucks.
At this very moment, I want to say FUCK IT. I'm going to bed. I don't care about my job as an RA, I don't care about getting up in the morning and doing PT. I don't want to waste so much of my time on Army lolligaging so I'M DONE. LEAVE ME ALONE. I'M TOO INTELLIGENT TO BE SOME PHYSICAL GRUNT.
And yet I'm a born leader. So I've been told by people who know. Maybe one day I'm destined for that greatness. Maybe if I stick with this Army thing, I'll be there when the shit hits the fan and have that chance to make a difference.
On the other hand, who cares. Maybe I'm better off living my life in a way that makes me HAPPY, having time to spend with people I care about, finding someone to love, creating life, bringing about change here.
I don't know. And with the way my stomach hurts right now... PT isn't looking likely, and I'll just get yelled at, and I hate that. I wish I could escape my weakness in my physical body. From birth it's been trying to set me back.
But would it be giving up?
I'll probably end up compromising. I won't quit, I'll just be trying to convince myself that it doesn't matter if Captain Hagerman frowns at me and junk if I miss PT because I feel sick. Probably because I don't even have enough time to eat between classes and study. I'm so stressed that my body panics when I tell it to think about getting up at 5:30, and makes me sick so I can sleep enough and keep up without getting sick for real.
I went for a hard run today and it was pretty good. When I feel better I'll test myself for two miles as many days a week as I can handle it.
I mean, what do I do? In your head it's easy to pick the tough route. When your body hates you and you can't get through a day without breaking down into tears... that's another thing.
Teeter totter.
Anyway, time for rounds :)

And onward

Oh Thursdays. My mid-week weekend.
Feeling pretty good today. Keeping my head on track. Well, if not completely on track, it's not really going down the wrong ones. My to-do list is long, but I can check off one or two things, and have specific plans for most of the rest. It's good. Not fulfilling, but it's not bad at all.

My instincts are telling me it's time to prepare for the move. I went through all my cds and eliminated most of my jewel cases. There's going to be a lot of paring down in the next few weeks before I have to move 1-and-a-half times. I don't know if I'll be in west or sackett yet, but I'm excited for summer. I'll certainly miss my nice big room though.
That's ok, I need to start working on getting rid of my "stuff"... my useless hoarding of things that JUST MIGHT be useful but never are.
I want some better running shorts. So hard to find ones that are long enough to keep my inner thighs from rubbing but don't have too low a crotch or aren't too long. Guess it's time for me to make my own. Or just quit being so picky haha. I doubt anyone has ever noticed if my shorts aren't PERFECT. Ah well.
Ok... running time.

When am I gonna accept the fact...

That in a battle between me and the sun, I ALWAYS LOSE.
That friends are inadequate and I can't expect so much from people because then I will be inherently disappointed.
That there is no point to anything I do other than if I enjoy it.
That I hate most of what I do.
That hating myself just makes me tired.
That anti-depressants aren't just for weak people.
That every time I think about what I can't have, I'm just going to get depressed.
That I don't make friends with people that party, therefore I don't get to party. Because I can't throw a party because that requires either location or alcohol, neither of which I gots.
That I would rather not miss the college experience.
That I don't make friends. I make temporary allies, and enemies in disguise/waiting.
That I can't trust anyone.
That I'm going to be lonely for a long long time.
That I have terrible self esteem while having a superiority complex.
That wanting more than you can ever have is just stupid. May work hard. but it's stupid.
That I don't care if I get through an obstacle or not so long as I don't look bad, or I do it with dramatic finesse, and as entertaining as that would be if someone made a movie about my life, nobody gives a fuck and notices.
That nobody notices.
That nobody notices.
That nobody
cares