Levels of comprehension

So I never thought things would get this bad. I am at a point in my life where I have a sudden understanding of heartbreak, or real pain. I spend a lot of time feeling sorry for myself. I spend a lot of time trying to figure out what went wrong, why I can't fix it. Why it's broken, and why even though I broke it, it's up to someone else to put it back.
You who think you know what it's like to hurt. Maybe you had a bad breakup, from your little sweetie you went out with for four whole months. Maybe you had sex with someone you didn't really want to and you're having trouble dealing with it. Maybe you humiliated yourself in front of the whole school.
I wish I could go back to that innocence, that childlike level of pain. But now there's a hole in my heart, and it will never get back. I may fill it with positives, with art and music, and friends who are strong enough to look past their own pain to love.
But it will never be the same again.
I fall easily into self pity right now. I have little to look to right now that used to drive me. More than that, part of me wants to wallow. Part of me looks at this pain and says, it is so massive, it deserves much attentions. Which is silly.
I will look to my art, I will try to enjoy study, I will try to remember my old friends and see if they can't still bring happiness and fun like they used to. The thought hardly appeals. I don't want to settle. I never have on anything. I've always known that even if it leaves me alone and old, I will never settle on the person I choose to marry.
Maybe Karate will find its way back into my life.
I read this little advice column about a guy feeling similarly, with no passion for life left after a bad break. And the advice guy was admonishing him about how if he ever wanted to have another relationship, he couldn't be this pathetic uninterested-in-life guy with no hobbies.
I just wish that I had something that meant more to me than love and people. Or at least meant enough that it could distract me into enjoying something almost as much as I do the rest of that.
All I can do is hope.
It's going to be so hard. So so hard.
But look at it that I will live. Look at it from the perspective that I haven't known the pain of losing a child or a close family member.
I wouldn't trade this pain, this experience, this living, for anything. I take it back, I don't wish anymore that I could go back to innocence from pain. I would never trade what I have for anything.
I just will believe in that.
I wouldn't trade it for anything.
I believe in balance, that things will come back and be better.
I believe in love, and its power to overcome fear.
I will believe.
It's going to be so hard.
But I will believe.

Some more thoughts. Because that's all I have sometimes.

So I was thinking that it's wierd. At this moment, I suddenly have the energy or emotional wherewithal to do something. I feel like calling my brother. But it's 0030, so that would be mean.
I had a really hard day keeping my emotions in check. I suppose I should just spend some time meditating each day. But I don't think I have the focus. Maybe I should try anyway and work towards it.
I didn't have any energy. I didn't go to two of my classes. Bad. I've missed enough this term, but then again, I am still recovering from being very sick and some hard shocks to my system. I hope I can sleep very deeply tonight, and really rest knowing that I have nothing to stress me tomorrow if I want, and then to paint tomorrow, or just read, or sleep all day. I will do my best to believe that life has thrown me some very hard knocks, but there is a balance in the universe, and some of those hard knocks are making up for all the past good fortune I have had, but it hasn't all been a piece of cake, so I believe there must be good things coming to me soon.
I have to believe in that.
I will have a St. Patty's day party I have decided. Even if I just sit here and ... I dunno, listen to Celtic music,or Flogging Molly, or whatever. I will toast to good fortune ahead, and making my own destiny.
I kinda want to stay up all night. I've been spending good time with my rezzies, we played some ddr, and we'll watch a movie.
In fact, I'll just go do that now. Take a quick shower and make them start watching.
Ok. Well, believe in the goodness of life, because if we all think hard enough, it just might come true.
Your luck for today
Today is good for luck it seems,
and very good for business schemes.
Your Fortune -
A life that's given to serious things,
No sentimental side,
brings slavery to business cares,
A king your nature does hide.
- Someone seeks revenge for an imaginary wrong.

I swear, straight off my fortune stick. Ok well. Like I always do, I'll pick the good from the bad. I did have a little scheme today, so we could hope that that won't backfire. And I need to not let work get me down. And I kinda do feel that the wrong is imaginary. I guess I hope that the revenge has been exacted, and that she will realize that the wrong isn't what she thought it was. Ok. No more on that track. I decline the fight I know I will lose, emotional battles with myself.
SHOWERS! YUM!

Things that I love

I am basically just sitting here feeling sorry for myself all the time right now.
I think I will make a list of things I love, so I can remember that when I am down.

I love;
Taffy Ann Todd. I love you i love you i want to pet you my pretty snobby cat and I haven't seen you in forever and I had a wierd feeling you died and nobody told me, so please don't die. PLEASE.

Elizabeth Daniels. For so freaking many reasons. I love her forever even if we can't always make the time to talk.

My Family. Because family is there for love. They love me even when they don't understand me, and do their best to support me even if they don't agree. And they have a knack for calling me whenever I really need it.

St. Patty's day. Because I decided that that is the day my life is going to absolutely get better. Because I'm Irish. Duh.

Music. Because it is ridiculous. Humans weren't designed to live without music. Life wouldn't be the way it is if birds couldn't sing and people couldn't hum while doing hard work, or if we couldn't experience the universe on more than a three dimensional level. We percieve much more than we think we do. Music is in the fourth dimension.

Books. I need to remember to read heinlein more. Since so much of who I am came out of that, I think so. I really need to read Friday again.

Math. Wierd, I know, but it's the closest approximation to defining the universe I have.

Fortune sticks. They are always wrong and remind me to make my own fortunes. And to have confidence in myself when they happen to be rightish.

Shiny things. Because that's just shiny Cap'n.

Firefly. Enough said.

The future. Because like integrals, it goes somewhere. Derivatives, like the past, are defineable to nothingness. Don't dwell on that.

Nathan Daniels. Because even though he is an oddity, self consumed, and brazen, he sometimes says things so wise I keep them with me always.
"But regret is a useless thing, I say, and whatever you do, you never need to let regret get to you. All it can do is hurt you. Once the past is behind you, it'll stay there, and agonizing over what you could've said or done better won't help. Unless, of course, you have a time machine, in which case I'd like a pet dinosaur. Living with the consequences of your actions is all you have to do. Never think about how it could've gone, think about how well you can make what's happening now go; the present is all you have, in the end. Living your life in the past will result in never moving forward, and living your life in the future will destroy any chance you have of being happy with how things are."

The Terminator. Because it really is a love story.

Cats. Because "There is, indeed, no single quality of the cat that man could not emulate to his advantage."
~Carl Van Vechten

Sapphires. Because they are shiny and have a cool weight to them that defies lesser stone.

Perfume. Because our sense of smell is a powerful communication device as well.

Paint. Because color and contrast conveys better and faster than shading.

Charcoal and pencils. Because they convey easier and less messily than paint.

Cats.

Huskies. I want a big furry dog hug. Pure love.

Ginger ale. Because it is oh so sweet, but with a bite. Kinda like me.

Digital cameras. Because they capture with convenience that which I love. Life.

Yarn. Because I can make hats.

Nickel Creek. Because that is music made of life. All: listen to them.

Blogs. Because I can say stuff and people can read it at their convenience.

Tea. Because that is happiness in a cup. It can enhance your calm, your mellow, your energy, your spark, your life. Or just taste good. That's good too. Hang on... gotta make some tea.

Dino. Mine forever. Forever for me. And I'm forever his. He's my luv forever.

My sofa chair. I <3 it. Too bad I never sit in it. I shall change that.

My yellow chairs. Because they are vintage fab

Pearls. Imperfect ones. Colored imperfect ones. Hahahah.

Hot water. Because that is a wonderful thing for so many reasons.

Shiny things.

Grunge.

Water/age-stained concrete. Because it is beautiful.

Eyes. Because they are windows.

Windows. Because I am transparent too, so at least I can look through something else as easily as other people see into me.

Confidence.

Trust.

Love.

Independant dependance. Choosing to need someone. That is brave.

Beds. Because it's the closest thing to a total break that I've experienced.

My desk chair. Because people fall on their asses because it tips when you lean forward. And because it is so perfectly me, and fits me just right and saves me from ANY backpain from my desk. Hard to believe, but true.

My afghan my momma made me. It is too big like everything she makes me, but it is perfect too big because I can completely wrap myself in it. Always. Always keeps me warm. It's magic.

Taffy.

Pooka.

Fur.

Shopping.

Laughter.

Tears.

Opera.

And now I need to stop and let this continue later. Because if I don't get any sleep, I will die.
And I have a math problem to do. Ugh.
G'night luvs!

It's the little things

So we have no heat today. The entire campus has not even a shred of warmth.
The steam plant is undergoing emergency repairs, which is great. But I feel like shit and I really really want a hot shower for like an hour and a half. And with the way my luck is going this term, it will probably take them like a week to fix the damn thing.
I pushed myself way to hard this week, I was so sick of being sick I tried to take everything like normal. Like last term normal when I could handle everything. And so I almost passed out today having zero energy after only one class. I'm so dehydrated, and I am drinking as much as I can but it's not really getting better. I think I need to rest this weekend, but there's our winter FTX. I'd like to go for all the fun aspects of it, but I'll admit that I really don't want to march with a huge ruck at a pace with everyone else, and get quarter sized blisters and pass out because I think I wouldn't be able to keep/get enough food down to stay together. And I would be miserable, and i would make other people miserable having to deal with me.
And we have no heat.
It's the things like that that make me want to curl up and die.
I think that this term isn't any good at all. I have to just accept that this portion of my life is sucky. To which the small portion of my brain that has enough fuel to actually think, says "What is the point of just 'getting through' life? Doesn't that defy the point of LIVING?"
So I cry and pout. But I think I can just decide that this term is a lesson in survival, and being better at pre-empting bad stuff, and learning from my mistakes so that no other time in my life will I have to be this low.
I think everyone should read hamlet's to be or not to be speech, and really look it over.
What is he really talking about?
He sums it up pretty perfectly, the reason not to commit suicide, or perhaps the reason TO commit suicide.


To be, or not to be: that is the question:
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die, to sleep-
No more - and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep-
To sleep - perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.



Thus a coward, I will live.

Tired

I woke up again today, just plain exhausted. I slept through pt again. Even after like eight or nine hours of sleep, I can barely force myself to get up and get ready for classes. I'm sure that part of it has to do with the fact that I eat less than a full meal a day now after being so sick, and because so much emotional energy is wasted in this standstill between me and my friends.
But I'm just so tired I don't care.
It's funny. I have been wearing darker eyeliner, without much/any eyeshadow or lip color. I've just been too tired to take off my old makeup and stuff... and I kinda thought it was looking tacky, since my complxion is light. But I've had like four separate people say "Wow! Your eyes look really pretty today" or some variation. Guess that's my new look for a while. Suits my mood anyhow.
Ok, time to force-feed life to myself.
Enjoy what you can kids. Your low can't even come close to mine so be happy no matter how bummed you think you are.

About as useful as 102 dalmatians

So what does it mean, when someone you thought to be one of your best friends tells you.
"...I blame you..."
for the betrayal another friend I put my trust in did the rest of us.
and then says,
"I hope you can learn from this. Something like this will show you who your true friends are... or at least who your true friends aren't..."
And then "You've been a true friend."
turns from you and says goodbye, and you know it will never be the same as he turns his back on you.
He meant to show me that the person who betrayed me, wasn't my real friend.
All he really did was turn his back on me.
People they made me doubt have come through, and showered me with unconditional love. My staff has proven to me that they deserve my faith in them that I have always given them.
I've been struggling lately, and I think one of the things I would like to believe in, is unconditional love.
I've been trying to give it, and I think I am fair with most people, though I have been known to be judgmental, and you all know that I make my decisions about people very quickly. And I stick by them. Perhaps that is a fault, I don't know.
This will show you who your true friends are.
Maybe I'm wrong, but in my world, true friends forgive honest mistakes, and even when they don't agree with you, they listen and believe in the good parts of you. No matter what.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I think I'm glad that being this sick makes me willing to use nyquil and be so exhausted that I sleep more than half the day.
Even if you can't stand on my side, a true friend doesn't turn their back.

For Valentines Day, I wish...

That things could go back to the way they were two weeks ago.
Sunday, I lost the friendship of two people I cared deeply about, I also lost the friendship of someone I put my trust in, because they betrayed me. I lost two more friends through this whole mess, and hurt another person.
I didn't eat for two days, I almost had to leave class yesterday to get my tears under control. I didn't sleep till yesterday afternoon when my body crashed with the flu.
I have lost at least five people.
I hope never in my life do I have to feel this way again.
I was crashing so hard, I had to cut a piece of my heart away. Now there is a numb void, but at least I had half a salad and slept.
Be careful who you trust. In fact, trust no one, at least not close enough that they can stab you in the back. Love, yes. Care, absolutely. But keep who you are very separate from others, and never indulge in secrets.
So for valentines day, I would like to take it all back. But you don't get a wish for V day. Just some bad chocolate and a bill.

100 seems appropriate.

So I hear screams outside my window. I was beginning to think that maybe the world was ending... but no, it was just the RA selection process going on, playing an icebreaker game out on Sackett's front lawn.
And I was having such a nice nap too.
Oh well, I guess that means it's time to blog.
Got my new speakers, exciting. I'm not completely decided of if they have better sound capability or not.. but they don't cut out so that is better than the previous.
Hung out with my grandparents today, my dad too. It was really really good to see him.
I went shopping yesterday after my big midterms. Spent way too much money, but I must admit that I had to purchase jeans, because all my pants are falling apart. So that, combined with my lack of shopping time recently, make for at least some excuse.
I had my big day of crazy, and as soon as I walked out that door from Russian culture, I just floated the rest of the day. I was stupid happy, just enjoyed the sunlight. I got called rainbow bright when I started talking about how pretty the trees are here. Funny.
I'm too dependant on my friends right now. I've never not been a loner before, so it's hard to define myself again. I'll probably go back to being more of a loner once I get used to it again, but who knows. Maybe I'm addicted to people irreparably.
I miss my old confidence, but I can't help and wonder if it wasn't a confidence borne of ignorance.
That's probably the truth.
I don't know what to do right now though. It's wierd not having the world about to crash down on me. I'd forgotten what happy felt like.
I've gotta go for a run. That is my new ancient challenge. I'm too afraid of the potentiality that I will fail my PT, so I'm avoiding it. (DUH! WILL MAKE ME FAIL) but who can reason with neurosis?
Anyway, that, and a long girlie frivolous shower and styling of hair sound like the best plan ever. Ok loves, I'm outtie.

Ninety nine bottles of AHHHHHH on the wall,

Ninety nine bottles of AHHHHHH,
Take one down, pass it around, and Elysia implodes.
Uh oh... that wasn't how I thought it went. Whatever. I have been bombed, three midterms and a quiz this week, two of which I didn't know about till friday/today... and my weekend was absorbed by RAness, so yeah, didn't get any prep time. I can't believe that prof dropped the midterm today.
We go to class and he's like literally, "So, now would be an appropriate time for a midterm... how about wednesday, or friday?"
Soooo not on the syllabus.
WHATEVERWHATEVERWHATEVERWHATEVERAHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH


I am hopefully going to be able to crack down and focus and study a whole bunch, but who knows what will happen. Actually, I think I'm going to get to bed soon. Don't want to, because I feel like that just throws me in the lions' den...
I really need a backrub.

Non-poetry poem for the day.

You know how I know there's no god, and that intelligent design is bull?
BECAUSE KNEES ARE CRAPPILY MADE.
They bust and twist and get hurt, but can they get better fast on their own? Noooooo.... fuck. I don't like my knee. Did some great running this week though, it's just unfortunate that today was a long run day and my knee was a loser and hurt a bunch. Didn't help that my shoes are breaking down again, which means my arches and calves are going to start cramping again.
WHATEVER!
So I'm halfway through my killer day, and I'm just coasting. It's not the greatest, but I'm not freaking out, so ya know...
Have lunch with friends, see one of my residents perform at Dutch bros. I think minus one class (which is prolly my favorite) the rest of the day should be ok.
New friends though for lunch, and that's always a little awkward...
Ack, I'm done wasting time.
Yay, doing something useful! Here I come!!!

To scream silence.

This term, this year, just seems to be throwing the punches continuously. Whatever small breaks I seem to get are either stolen moments, or places where I retreat, either way I seem to make no forward progress.
I might be kidding myself, or working myself up into a greater tension, but I am also way to absorbed in my life. I just have to remember the people around me that mean so much to me, because I do my best to never let them down. If it's just me, I can rationalize away anything. I sortof can't let myself down, because no matter what I'm still here. But you dissappoint friend, and sometimes they leave. That's the worst.

I thought taking less credits would be easier, but really I just end up putting forth less effort. I don't know. Maybe I am just not adding up all the pieces properly.

I'm working on spending time with my friends. Because that's what makes me feel like I have lived. I saw a quote "Everyone exists, but not all truly live." Or something to that effect. Made me think, again I know, but still, I think about what is the most important to me. And I'm just not sure. I mean, galactically even, what effect do we have? I guess my goals should be to advance science and society as much as I can, and love the people around me, and have babies. Just hard to get all of those to mesh. Especially when my mate prospects are limited, haha.
I'm tired always, you know? That's just stupid. I try to always have the most positive outlook I can, and it helps, but some things just wear me out. Maybe it's just spending time in my head. Because when I'm out there with everyone, I always forget that I'm tired. Most of the time anyway...
Perhaps I'm just dealing with more social anxiety than I thought previously. Maybe I only realize it now because I am so infatuated with people I'm around. Maybe that's why things are harder, that conflict is broader now that I want more time with people, but I also fear it.
Ah well, what can you do.
Anyhow, I figured I might update since I'm sitting here at the desk, and I can't figure out my math homework because I slept through class (grrr... stupid malfunctioning alarm... or maybe my fast reflexes that turn it off before I'm concious. either way, grrr...)
So yeah.
I love you Pooka, I was thinking about how much I missed you yesterday.
Call me some time.