Adequate Sleep = Ability to live

It's a simple fact I keep learning the hard way. I've gotten more done in the past 20 hours than I did most of last week. All it took was getting at least seven hours for a couple days in close proximity. I'm not fully recovered from the crazy week I destroyed myself with last week, but I'm feeling so much more able to cope.
I am feeling some risidual effects, my attention span is a little choppy, and worse I'm very very anxious about even the simplest social interactions where I'm not completely comfortable. But I'm reminding myself of how far I've come, and what I can do better if there really was something worth being anxious about.
Well I'm spacing out again, but for people who were worried, I'm doing better.
I have tons of things to get done, but they're almost all worthwhile, so that's good.

Oh yeah. I have a PT test tomorrow and I'm really mad at my knee.
I have only run twice since I hurt it and the second time was yesterday, and so now I'm kinda sore, and I'm going to fail so badly and they're going to record it anyway. I don't think there's a way to say "INJURED" or anything. I don't think I can even run a complete two miles right now. I did 1 and 1/2 yesterday and when I was done I felt GREAT but my knee was SCREAMING and I almost started to cry.
So I am glad that it's only a diagnostic, but sad that I have to slip backwards.

So sleep enough. You will enjoy your life more!

My least favorite time; Sunday nights

I hate them. It's supposed to be 'your time' still... but no, there's that constant countdown click to that moment when you put down your head into your pillow and suddenly it's 0530 and you have to get ready for PT.
If that were it, I suppose that would be ok, but it feels more like my life is the ocean, just staring out into the expanse, and all I can see is the next great wave coming to crash down over me. And I know that I survived the last one, and I had the lull between waves to catch my breath and rest... but I see the size of the wave and part of me has given up already.
I slept till 4 pm yesterday, and slept in today, and took another nap, so basically I haven't gotten a weekend. I paid the price for stretching my last week out, stealing time from where it didn't belong. I saw someone today and I felt like I hadn't seen him in weeks, when in reality I had seen him just four days ago or so. It was strange.
I need to relax, let it go. I'm capable of doing PT, and my classes aren't all that difficult.
I've been having a little trouble doing my SRA stuff though, and it's making me mad. I have a couple projects I'm supposed to be working on, and a new RA to train, and none of them are getting done. I am going to go to bed soon now and hope that when I wake up I am rested and have the energy to take on the day.
My friend Jeff, he told me of this really cool idea he had, and I can't wait to get it all worked out so I can do it.
Basically, you put the camera in the same place every day and take a picture of yourself, and as the days and weeks and months go by, you can see all the little changes in yourself that you normally lose from your continuous conciousness.
I think I just figured out a way to set it up in my room.
Well, may your sleep be restful, and your life be worth living.

the limit as E approaches infinity Does Not Exist

You could say what I am doing right now in my life is testing my limits.
The only problem is that the harder I push, the further it gives.
I can't find my limits.
I'm killing myself trying.
Even to the extent of what I know to be me, there's more. I can't seem to figure out what reality is, so I can't define my edges except by where I do lie within them.
Maybe I'm just on that feeling of invincibility that comes with a week with an average sleep time of 5 hours per day. Too much blood in my caffiene system, and all that goodness.
I should see how much weight I've lost, because I bet it's a bit.
I'm considering changing my sleep habits completely away from normal.
I sleep for four hours during the night, two hours during the early afternoon, and two more in early evening. That way I can be an early bird for ROTC, a student during the normal day hours, and a night owl for my creativity and my friends.
I have had a couple votes from
"Yeah, I've heard that that actually works for some people"
to
"That's retarded."
So we'll see. But as it is, I have difficulty falling asleep at night, and I'm exhausted during the day, and time is wasted in the afternoon... so whatever.

I just went for a run. I mean, yeah, it was only like 1/2 to 3/4 of a mile, but considering my bad knee, it was amazing. The first 1/4 mile hurt so so so damn bad. And then my body took over, strengthening and lengthening my stride, springing from my muscles, running because it missed it and it was so damn amazing. I was breathing so deep, and leaping forward with everything I had till my lungs gave up and my heart clammored for a break.
But it was so worth it. I can't wait to go tomorrow.

Theories of time

Time moves quickly. I've finished my first term as an RA, made it through my first year of college, managed to achieve junior status after four terms.

Time moves slowly. My knee isn't really getting better, I feel this need in my gut to run, or at least achieve a level of workout, but I can't do anything. It hurts so bad to walk and use the stairs, so of course the elevator had to break, right?

Sometimes I wonder that our perception of time's speed isn't based on how 'In the moment' we are. I mean, when you are focused and using your brain's power to absorb all the details of the thing you're interested in, the time around you passes seemingly faster because you spend less time checking up on the boring sensory info, or the timestamps. So if you want to feel like you live longer, I guess do nothing.
That's so depressing, isn't it?
I miss those most exciting moments, you know? All the time, we strive for those moments and feeling that just make us feel so alive. That first kiss, the time you spent with someone who makes your day. The time you laughed so hard you fell out of your chair. The time you fell out of your chair and everyone laughed so hard.. haha.

And I'm sitting here now, ready for an experience, that I know will blink me to the next reference point and it will have become a memory instead.
Where am I? Is it like a solid state video, that I'm merely perusing from the future?
I wonder... and then I live instead.

Why we need music with words

Closure has come,
to me, myself,
you will never belong
to
me

Lyrics are so powerful sometimes. It's funny, that moment when you know you can't have someone. When you realize they belong to someone else. Chevelle is good like that.

Funny thing I learned. Society reared its ugly head once more... I realize that he's a twisted person, and its freaky to bite heads off of live chickens... but interesting thought; Marylin Manson. Not just a freak who wants to demonize children, but an actual musical artist. I've recently started listening to some of his stuff, and there's a LOT of social commentary, and philosophy. Albiet a darker side of view, but I'm somewhat disappointed in myself for just believing everyone when they said he was bad. I mean, there are a TONS of fans, so obviously many people actually LISTENED before judging.
I am so sick of those fear judgments. I mean for instance, I hate horror movies, right? But I have seen at least three of the popular ones, just to prove to myself that I honestly do not enjoy them.
So of course there are some songs that are just screaming or yuck, but same with most all rock groups.
Interesting thing, Trent Reznor of Nine Inch Nails... you know, the guy who does it ALL. Well, he's the one who produced Marilyn Manson to the world, you know. No wonder, you know?
Haha.
Ok, other things to do.
Love to all.

and in the end

we still pretend

the time we spend

not knowing when

you're finally freeand you could be

but it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to

it didn't turn out quite the way that you wanted it

now you know

this is what it feels like

now you know

this is what it feels like

you can try to stop it but it keeps on coming

you can try to stop it but

The last day.

Well folks, this is it, the last day of the vacation... of course I have so much RA stuff to do, it doesn't matter... haha. Oh well. I'm almost ready for the new term. Mostly because if I'm not, it'll be here anyway to slap me in the face.
It's good to be home. It hurts sometimes, but now, my parents' house will never be 'home' anymore. I mean, it will, but in a secondary kinda way. I guess that's part of growing up. I like being on my own. Things can only grow.
Well, I really have nothing important to say.
I wish all my fellow college students who haven't started classes a good first day, and I wish all my HS homies good times and little social melodrama.
We'll try philosophical next time perhaps.

Numbers and such.

90 posts. 2006 years. 2 decades. 3 seconds. 72 hours.

First of, I would like to congratulate myself on 90 posts. It's absolutely pointless, but it is a nice way to keep in touch with friends.

2006 years. Well, here's to the new year, and the countless moments of frustration realizing we just dated something 2005 again and having to scribble it out. Many people mentioned new-year's resolutions in their blogs. I went to bed at 10 on new year's eve. I didn't do any of those fun things. I suppose I could come up with a resolution, but I'd never keep it. Nobody ever does. Mostly, people build up guilt, frustration, and rationalize their way out of it anyhow, and then when all those good intentions sour, everyone is grouchy and mean. So even the well meaning ideas of resolutions make things worse in the end. It takes six full weeks to form a real habit. Only one to break it. Think about that. If you really want to follow through with your resolution, you'll need to plan it out for six weeks on ways to keep it interesting and reward yourself.

2 decades. Well shit, we've passed my Lizzie's 20th birthday, and moved into the year that is 20 years after my day of birth. In 8 more months, it'll be my turn. I think life is very short. The movie The Notebook, for all it's wonderful romance, made me so depressed in the end I just try never to think about the damn thing. (Saw it in a tv show today being made out as the super-chick-flick). Alzheimers is dumb. We should make it go away. To do so, we should support republicans with christian fam'ly val-yus, and cut taxes so that the rich aren't under such a burden to public schools. And cut federal grants to poor first generation college students to pay for our inoperable defense missiles. That'll cure disease and hunger and suffering, right?
Whoops. Political rant. Oh well. It had to come out some time, right?

3 seconds
That's all it took to make my life crap. I went skiing with my dad, wrenched my knee pretty bad. It's swollen and guck and I can't walk or anything decent. I have to drop the Judo and Running classes that I was so looking forward to this next term. I guess I'll get them next time.

72 hours
And I'll be in bed in corvallis, there for another three months of hard work, emotional trauma, people that will crush me from time to time, and pain. It doesn't really sound like I'm ready to go back, does it? I'm probably just tired and frustrated about my knee... I suppose I'll go to bed. I should look forward to happy things, like my haircut on the 4th, or seeing some friends I've missed. But this year hasn't gotten off to a very good start. Hopefully it can only go up from here.