Sentience

I hate this thing. This ability to know that something hurts, to interact on a level more than push pull, more than yes and no.
I want you to think about your best friend. Would you give your life for that person? Would you give them the greatest sacrifice you could?
Isn't that an interesting thought? Think about it. But of course you can't really know until you're right there.
But have you done them a greater disservice yet? How much time have you spent with them recently, caring about them, talking to them, hearing the worst times, the unimportant things?
Have you reached for them?
Have you trusted them enough to let them see you for what you are?
I know several people who would be there for me if I needed it. First; what constitutes need? Is that the kind of need that if I was on the run and needed someone to back me up? Or somene who will tell me not to jump when on the ledge? Second; I find the true friend must be the person who is there for me when I don't need it. Why can't people be there everyone?
Why are we so afraid of being dependant on people?
Perhaps because every time we do we are let down, because perfection is only a theory.
To my sorrow, I chose the wrong friends to dedicate myself to, and now I have lost everyone I trusted to my core. Some people don't know what it feels like to trust completely, to love someone that much. At the moment, I'm not sure I don't envy them. They don't know what they are without. I do, and it tears at the meaning of my life.
I am not as strong as I thought I was. I made a revelation today... rather I quit fooling myself for a moment. And here I am, crumbling, unhappy. And I am beautiful. I caught myself in the mirror as I cried. I don't understand. I lost my footing again. I was so afraid this would happen, and yet I did it anyway.
I don't understand anything. Not a damn thing.
So what good is this sentience? I am aware enough that I percieve the world and complexities and pain all around me, but everything I do brings pain, always pain even with the decent things. Everything is shot through with pain and fear.
I'm in a bad spot for the moment.
Counseling would be a good idea, I know. And I hope that someone can help me at some point. But we all know that the only patient that gets better is the one who wants to.
My brain is ready to end scene. Start new, universe. Reset. New show times at 10th and 700 billionth millenias.
The fight's been taken from me. The greatest hurt you can do to someone is to cut them away completely. Cutting them out. Making everything they feel baseless and self supporting, so that everything is inside them. It's like marching your armies to the plains where you expect to fight and come to some resolution... but you find nothing. And when you turn to march back and fortify your home, the attack never comes, and your home rots beneath you.

And no one cares.

I think I'm incapable of accepting endings. I hate the ends of movies and books and every good thing. I want resolution I think, and I'm fucked because I'm never going to get resolution because I am shut out, and I will never accept defeat, because I can't.
Sick.
Honestly, I have no will to do anything right now. I don't want to be awake, because it currently sucks. I don't want to sleep because that's pointless excapism. I don't want to play games, music... I have no interest in painting. I am deperate for something. I am shaking for something and nothing comes to mind except the horrific. I could be entertained to play with people. I am so afraid that this was the last new frontier for me, and now it has been pierced and emptied just like everything else I've loved in my life.
I'm sorry if you're reading this. It must be horrifically depressing. Please set it aside, live on as you have. For some reason, throwing words into the void holds some edge of validation in it, some chance that these words will be answered. I know they won't.

Cliche

Good lord I got the most cliche text message today. It's unfortunate I didn't feel well enough to travel today, I really wish I could have been home right now so I wouldn't be alone in my room ready to think hard and long and philosophize. Then again I live for living, thinking.
So I'm sure you're curious. I have no malice or fear or shame. I feel like talking about the way people work today.
"Stay the fuck away from my boyfriend. Id better not have to tell you again."
Beautiful in its lack of real meaning. I did not ever suspect I would be in a position where I would get a message like that. As a side note, I quite despise the general situation that this usually accompanies. In fact I'm not sure I don't despise the situation as it is, despite its extenuating circumstances.
It's interesting to see how people always look to the outside sources for their problems. I highly doubt I'm a powerful enough seductress to blind someone completely from their own choices. Or even to draw someone away from someone they love. Especially since I haven't tried to do either. For once I wish people would take responsibility for their own existance. Just that, nothing else.
It entertains me when I can listen to songs and know that I've been through exactly the stuff they're singing about.
Psychology is so interesting. I despise people that don't even bother to question the world around them enough to realize that half of what they do isn't really them at all but rather their learned behaviours getting in the way.
like the just world philosophy. That if you don't deserve it, bad things won't happen to you. People look in from the outside and say, "well, that person must have done something to get what happened to them." But whenever something happens to you, you always blame it on other people or the world or fate or god or whatever the fuck you want. Just so you don't doubt yourself. Because if you did, you would hate yourself, you would die inside. You have to believe that you are better than everything around you, or you have already lost the fight and may as well give up.
This just world crap. Betcha most conservatives believe it. Did you know that a great population believes that HIV and AIDS come from sin? Terrible. The world isn't just, it is a struggle for survival. Even viruses. Just world.
You see this a lot with rape. Did you know, that a serial rapist is much more likely to go for miss prim and proper than to go for the sexily dressed girl? Because of the greater damage to be done, the greater power to be had. Women of all shapes and sizes are raped. It has nothing to do with whether they are sexually attractive to the general public. People confuse rape with ravishing. Ravishing is completely different, and is an expression of great attraction. Many people have fantasies about being ravished, which is not wrong. To be ravished is to be so attractive to someone that they have to have you. In one's fantasy, it is a validation of being completely attractive. Consent is always necessary if this fantasy is ever to be acted out.
Consent is always needed. Not saying no isn't consent either. A clear and competent yes is required. Rape is about power, about destruction. This is something our society should have learned by now. But it hasn't. There's always blame laid on the victims or survivors.
Good lord I'm feeling a lovely touch of existentialism right now. How odd.
Another thing that annoys me; the fact that our language has no equal substitute for a point of exclamation, most of which contain something having to do with a religious reference. We all know I'm an atheist. And yet using a phrase like "Good lord" comes out. Perhaps because it is something people understand. But I wish I could use something else, without losing the power of my intent.
Too bad.
You know, I really wish I had gone home, fought the sickness and tortured myself. I'm hungry. I would like to sit on the couch at home and eat homecooked food. I have no groceries right now so I can't cook. Depressing. I'm pretty much hungry as hell. I guess I'll see if I can get a pizza. Ok. I ordered a pizza. I hate doing that. It better be good. I like their sauce though. That's very important. I'm the sauce master at home haha.
Something I've realized about myself. I'm obsessed with personal perfection. Wierd seeing as how I'm not a perfectionist on a lot of things. But I believe it comes from this deep knowledge that life is short and I don't want to waste a second. I like things going the way I want them to. But I enjoy the problems too. I'm glad of the pain I've experienced because I have learned from it and felt it and experienced life. Nothing else can give me that. When I was younger I read so much, and I used to think that I gained experiences through that. Which I did. There are so very many things I learned from Heinlein and McCaffrey and the like. But these greater emotions, these deeper wounds of love and pain. Such exquisite beauty befalls me now.

So I'm also a not-very-good songwriter or poet. I find poetry pretentious most of the time, but I will pay respect to its beauty when it better expresses meaning than the verbose. I love lyrics, but music I love even more because I think that is the greater method of expression. I write poetry sometimes, trying to better express the way I feel. It probably means more to me than anyone else who would read it. My mom told me that she used to have books full of poetry that she would write. I read some of her high school stuff she got published. It was amazing. I wish she would put some of her poetry up in the house. I was going to say instead of my art, but they took most of that down. Ah well. But I have my guitar, and my feelings, and my love of music, so I've been writing things. Doing things for yourself is a wonderful feeling. Like, everyone wants the validation of someone else in the universe hearing and liking what they create... but for now I am content to sing songs to myself.

Gosh I'm verbose tonight. I guess I'm waiting for pizza. I did have a pang of lonliness today, but I think I'm learning to trust my independance again. I was hiding from myself behind the facade of other people. Worth it, but I missed myself. I've always been my best company. I wish I had another novel to escape into. I have tired of computer games, because those experiences are nothing.... novels at least leave something behind, a false memory if you will. I guess I'll watch a movie. I have a few that I haven't seen in a while. I have way too many to choose from. I have stopped enjoying watching movies by myself though. Probably because people are unpredictable and new and movies are past tense. History. No chance for a different ending. I've never met a movie that kept going after the end, but I know plenty of ends where people kept going.

Ah well. Time to do something else. Eat, entertain self, go to bed early, get up early and go home.

It's break time... finally

So wonderful.
SO WONDERFUL!
I rearranged my room, and I love it a lot. And I got laundry done, and some sleep, and some running, and stuff. And loud music and feeling generally happy. I made lotsa hats. I'm having fun. I'm making one right now that is super super nifty. I like it.
I got lotsa papercuts and scrapes moving though. Like everything that I could have dropped, I did. Oh wells. I just wish I had some bandaids. I used mine all up LAST week with all my klutzing out. Watch, i'll cut myself on my guitar today - which I need to return because they sent me a damaged one. But I have no idea how to ship that back or how much it'll cost. The damage is probably mostly cosmetic, but since all my guitar-player friends go "What the hell happened here!" or "FUCK THAT YOU'RE SENDING THAT BACK!" I guess I'll listen to them haha.
And I dropped my pretty camera my parents got me for my birthday back at the beginning of the term :( so I finally just ordered a new camera. Not the same one, because I couldn't find the same one. But I think I'll really like this one.
Ok, so I'm pretty much exhausted for no reason. Probably just catching up from the term. I don't really have much to say. Spring break is dedicated to my comfort, interest, and convenience. I'm planning to hop the bus up to portland in the next two days, go to the mall for a while, then ride to Hillsboro. Hang with the fam a while, but leave before I become a nuiscance to them or myself haha.
Anywho, I'm gonna nap and crochet and soak up every single moment of my relaxation and solitude.
Elizabeth; I hope you had a great break. Call me some time ok?
Laterz guys.

Pouiim

Because it's wonderful what the random pieces of our universe turn out to be.
Pouiim. I think this should be a word added to our language.
Anyone have any suggestions for its definition?? Just whatever it feels like to you. I think I'll use it in a book if we can find a good definiton. It was just a random combination of letters that caught me. Happy.
I just got back from an amazing run! I really didn't want to go a normal route and be bored and end up not pushing myself, so I decided to take a random turn at every crossroads, and find as many stairs as I could on campus and run up or down them. I love running at night. It is a little rainy drizzly right now, not too heavy but of course the ground is soaked everywhere. I don't mind though because I'm breaking in my new shoes starting next week so these ones are on their way into retirement. So yeah, any time you're bored with your run route, try to find stairs and chase yourself up them. It's a really cool view from the top of the parking garage.
I've had a shaky day. Like I made significant progress with my math and my professor, and that was a huge weight lifted off my shoulders. And I went to the review for my other math and it was ok. And I'm done with my russian quiz which was T/F and that saved my butt although her T/F are hard.
Had a long conversation with a friend last night. It was good, and I made some progress on a few levels. I really can't afford to trust people yet because I'm stretched so thin and trying to patch my life up, which is going well, but I'm trying to be smart and not go all out again just because things are good for the moment. I don't think it would hurt me as bad to be betrayed again, because I found myself, and am stronger and more confident than ever... but right now I don't know how it would go down. Maybe I'd be strong enough to shake my head sadly and just walk away. But a maybe isn't strong enough to count on.
Oh that run kicked my ass.
If you've never run really hard, you don't know what it feels like when your lungs have opened up. Like when you're done and you're just sitting around, but you take like one huge deep breath. And you don't even need to breathe for a minuted because your lungs are so open and alive and strong. Oh amazing.
I have these huge stress knots in my back muscles, although I almost always get this one underneath my left shoulderblade, but this time around my right side is super locked up. Actually my usual stress spot is the only relaxed place on my back.
Ok, so I really like weighing only 166 lbs. My body usually puts itself up around 180 even. But being sick and having to still workout while I don't eat may have practically murdered me... but I lost weight and it's still coming off, if at a much more healthy pace. I feel lighter and stuff, which takes more strain away from my weak knee while it strengthens. And plus you can really see it on my figure. Like all the places where I felt uncomfortable with my fat, are now down to where I look at them and think Hmm.. nice and gently curvy... but not fat. My body is really enjoying it. It feels more natural now that I'm here. This feels much more like the me I picture in my head.
Of course the army still wants me to drop 16 lbs. Haha. I just might. Would be interesting to try. I mean, my stomach is still making me miserable, which in turn makes it easier to not eat the large meals I normally would. I had a whole cheeseburger for lunch and was very close to losing it afterwards. So sad. It was super yummy though.
Oh man. Gotta do rounds and shower and get to bed so I can wake up at 8. Ack!
LALALALALLAALALALALALALALAL.
Ok tantrum moment past. BUHBYE NOW!

Sweetly Blissful

Hmmm... soooo... yeah. My name means sweetly blissful.
I know; doesn't really seem to suit the snotty ROTC self-centered whiny part of me.
But honestly, it some of my past struggles there is a part of me that is almost my favorite, that can kinda be called that. Sweetly blissful. That's what life should be like, right?
I'm working on it. I'm really in an odd place. It's like I burnt out, and was done with the term, and now because I still have two weeks, part of me has gotten a new enthusiasm and confidence and happiness and fun. And part of my brain still quite refuses to function. I mean it, like I can't have an intellectual thought. I had a funny thought at breakfast about how in the grander scheme of things, our lifespans must be so very short, and how sad it is that as knowledge is gained we barely have enough time to pass that information onto our offspring, let alone apply it all. And then I realized that I had had an intelligent thought, and I was so happy... and then my brain hurt again.
I have decided; I have a brain tumor. That's why this crickin my neck won't go away and why I can't seem to get rested.
Or maybe my bed just needs to move. I think I may try that.
Ok. So, here's the rundown:
Wednesday: A quiz(which i am going to bomb because i don't have the reading materials for so oh well THANK YOU S/U grading so it doesn't matter!!!), a meeting with my professor to help me get SOMEWHERE so I don't completely bomb the final, Duty night, and a paper due. OH YEAH AND A FINAL REVIEW. I have to remember to go to that class!!!

Thursday: Getting stuff done. Going shopping for some necessary things.

Friday: More math.

Saturday/Sunday: Math. Math. Sleep. More Math. Ugh. Brain hurting.

Monday: Nada. Study time.

Tuesday: 12-1:50 pm Math 255H final. 2-3:50 pm Math 256H final. 6Pm Russian Culture final.

7PM. I pass out on my bed and don't wake up till I have to do duty Thursday!
I think I will get a nosebleed like halfway through my second test. Haha... and because it's college and nobody cares, I'll just have to keep going and hope I get partial credit if I pass out before the last problem. Oh gosh it's so frightening, but my brain is protecting me by not letting me freak out. Of course it's that same brain preventing me from absorbing the math I need. I don't know why I don't get it but it really looks like gibberish.
Oh well. I will make it.
The end.
See y'all later. I won't be posting or answering e-mails or any of that stuff probably, so if you need me call my cell. And if you randomly feel like giving me a backrub...well that would be super amazing. Unless you're a creepy freak who's just reading my blog. Ugh. Yay, now sleep deprivation >> paranoia.. hahah not really. Sooo, if I've already let you into my physical bubble, then you know who you are :)
Anyhow. Gotta either sleep or math... whichever seems more likely in the next few minutes.
:)


WISPS Show up and help haha.

Ninteen. Huh. Note to self - you are still a teenage girl sometimes.

Pride and Prejudice was a bad idea. I was doing ok having turned off my heart for a few days haha. Nothing like a romance to make you feel alone and unattractive. I took a nap today, so I thought I would be good for duty... but I think all the catching up I've been trying to do this week has drained me. Plus today was the first hard workout I've been up to for a long time. And as we all know when I don't get enough sleep, I start losing track of the positive emotions in my life. Today was actually stressful when you think about it. Had to go talk to a prof who is saying "I hope you don't bomb the final". Just what I need to hear of course. Thanks so much. Haha.
Honestly though, I miss having a boyfriend. It's been a good year and a half now since I've been in a relationship like that. I remember what it was like to stand next to someone and look out at the world with that little half smile knowing that what everyone thinks doesn't matter because a person, who is more than others to you, cares about you and views you as great. Friends and family can often substitute pieces of this, but someone who loves you, your lover, has a deeper bond. I remember those times. I know that eventually I'll be that confident all of the time, when I've made the mistakes and learned from them... at least on the normal fronts... ah well.
I try these days. I'm so much better than I was years ago. For instance I'm still wearing my wig. I even wore it to EBGB's.
Funny, it always reminds me of some teen magazine article I read a long while ago, where a girl asks the advice columnist saying something along the lines of "Nobody ever had a crush on me until I got my boyfriend, and now that I'm taken, I've had several boys start flirting with me etc."
To which the response was, "When you're with someone, often your confidence is greater, and you are more comfortable around others especially when you aren't worrying about being attracted/attractive to someone else."
And we all know that the badass confident people are always sexy/cool. So funny.
OMG I'm so glad it's almost twelves so I can nap for an hour and a half till twos. Rounds that is. I sure don't mind doing my job as an RA and doing rounds is actually usually fun. When your duty partner talks to you and there are people with their doors open to stop and chat with, it's really nice social time. Unfortunately, the halls are practically empty and Alicia's not very talkative tonight. People are going home or enjoying the weekend before they get down into the grind for finals. I meant to do math today, but it didn't happen. My brain really hurts today. But tomorrow should be good. I'll work out another reward system for myself. It seems to work well in half hour blocks, you know? 1/2 hour study, 1/2 hour play. I did get my paper turned in today though. That was good.
Having three classes in a day is seriously a bad idea. With PT, I'm always too tired to make it to more than two of three. My schedule next term is better. Mondays will suck, but since I will always dislike them anyway, better that I slam out that three hour lecture of a third class than have it more later in the week.
Gosh I'm so self pitying when I'm tired. I was just reminiscing about the good times I used to have with friends on friday nights, and how they're all probably out having fun without me and probably didn't even think of me and they didn't even miss me. How ridiculous is that? I mean I'm just letting my thoughts run, but phooey. I always run into that thing of 'how come nobody invited me?'
It's hard on your self esteem, no matter how good or cool a person you are, if nobody ever calls you up on a friday to hang out. Of course the alternative is did you call anyone else to hang out? The answer in my case is almost always no. I am most desperately afraid of appearing clingy or needy out of all my social interactive fears. Because everyone hates that person who tags along with the group, right? Or is that just what hollywood decided we should think so that we would doubt ourselves more. Haha.
There is a lot to be said for showing your own confidence and not caring so much who you sit by. But it always seems like the person I feel like sitting by goes and sits wherever they want, and people follow and suddenly your oh-so-confident self is all by yourself looking anti-social.
Of course, everyone loves an invitation to sit. I feel young again today. Hell, I'm only ninteen. This is only my second year of school. I've been trying to play on the field with people two or four years older than me and yet I'm still astonished when I don't keep up.
Ok, but we all have to admit that boys your own age are stupid comparatively for the most of your teenage years haha. I suppose that if I hung out with people younger than me I would have no trouble feeling cool and confident. And who wants to hang out with younger kids? haha. Dontcha just love running in circles?
So I end up moving backwards a little again. I tried to take too many leaps forward, and though I'm not one to retreat, I'm going to go back inside my comfort zone for a while I think. I played too many risky cards. Breath-catching time. I'm not forfeiting. I'm regrouping.
So I am a dark chocolate brunnette right now... ok fine, so it's only a wig... but it's freaking awesome. I like the change. I look good with bangs.
e-bay. Huzzah for material posessions. I have spent soooo much money this term as a comfort food haha. Of course, I can afford it temporarily. I'll let myself have that for this term, especially since it's been a damn long time since I've been able to really afford anything.
Ok... well it's time for roundses again. Then nap/rounds/sleep. And I don't have to wake up tomorrow till I'm ready!
G'night.

FRIDAY

So. Did my PT test. Failed, but only by a little. My shoe came untied again. :(.
PRed my pushups by one. Did more pushups than the guy next to me, and the guys' minimum is twice my minimum. Their min is my max haha. If I can do five more next time I will max the pushups!
That will be exciting.
I had trouble sleeping last night. My rezzies were kinda noisy. And at two I almost thought I heard two of them were getting into a fight but I was 90% asleep and dozed off before I thought about getting up. I need to remind them of the duty phone number at our section meeting next week. Blah. I'm going to miss them when they move out. Except for the noise haha.
I can't wait to get back to where I can enjoy running again. There's that low stage where running is like pushing a boulder up a hill, which is where I get stuck at. Then there's the stage where it's hard work, but there's no boulder dragging you down. And that's what it's like when you can run because you're stong enough and have enough cardio and lung capacity and don't weigh too much. None of those on their own is hard to achieve but the whole package balanced is. There are times when running makes you feel so free and strong. I have to be stuck in the stage where it is humiliating and exhausting. But I've been up there to a better level, and I think it won't be so hard to get back there now.
Anyhow I reallllly have to get to class. Oh man. SO WANT TO CURL UP AND SLEEP TILL APRIL! haha.
Have a great Friday all!

SO not in high school anymore.

I remind myself of the girl I was in high school. So emotional and bitter. Sad. I'm trying really hard right now. Now it's not so much the punches being thrown at me anymore. I threw off my attacker and now i'm starting to move forward again, but now it's like I'm finding out that my clothing got ripped in the scuffle, or my glasses got broken. Not that I wear glasses... oh well. This is all from an old analogy anyway.
Picking up the pieces. So sad.
It's snowing like mad right now. Sooo wierd.
It would be nice if the snow could change it all, wash away the bad parts. I'm doing my best to let go of all the things that are letting me down right now. Stay positive.
I'll get back on my feet, I always do. I know I'm a very strong person, I've just had to deal with so much I've nearly reached my limit. Pushing limits is great. Pushing them all at the same time is hard.
Oh man. I've spent like the last ten minutes getting this necklace untangled. I used to pride myself on my ability to get any knotted chain undone. Of course I have a tendancy to be very prideful of everything. haha. But that's fun to know that I really wanted to wear the necklace. I have this funny habit of getting all jewelried up when I'm trying to remind myself of the fact that I'm pretty and like myself and that the world is silly and I damn well get to wear my crown. No, I didn't actually bring my crown with me from home. Should have, but no, you won't catch me with it haha.
So it's sad that I have even more consequences from my global minimum. (Oh math.) than just the fact that I hit the bottom. But life isn't fair, right? So I'll just let it pass and focus on the future. I was really looking forward to that RA training class actually, because it was something I was confident I could do, and I actually enjoy work that I know how to do, but it probably would be more work than would be good for me.
It's amazing how one mistake is all it takes. You know? Like you can work so hard at your job or a relationship or just life in general, but then you say one wrong thing, or walk down the wrong street alone and you could lose it all. I wonder how anyone came up with the concept of fairness, since it doesn't exist. Funny. That's one of the most human inventions ever.
Dude, I feel like getting a big red rubber stamp and stamping like a whole wall with "FAILURE" for no reason so I could laugh at how absurd that is. I was just pittying myself for all the mistakes I just made this term. I guess that's what a good person does, is regret doing the wrong things. But a smart good person acknowledges their mistakes and learns and moves on. Yay for moving on.
Question: Why do I bite off more than I can chew?
I was surprised to read my best friend's flow-of-conciousness/thoughts on me on her blog last week. "desire. why? She does. I love it. Inspired by her desire to "suck the marrow out of life," as it were. Desire to express how much i love that as well as her insecurities and quirkiness. Reaching out a hand to you..."
It's too true. It is so amazing that there are people who know you better than you know yourself.
Oh and why questions suck. Like with our sexual violence presenter this week as RAs we were reminded NEVER to ask a why question to a survivor. Because that's hindsight on something out of their control. I don't like that word anymore at all.
Why.
It's only useful to ask as a general question, once in your life, looking out at the universe and wondering what the point of it all is. The only other way that it's good is in the sense of "why does a machine work this way."
The rest is out of my hands. Always.
MY ROOM IS A MESS! I'm starting to get back to normal folks! No obsessive cleaning due to severe emotional stress for me! Not anymore haha. Now cleaning can only be used for procrastinating j/k.
But I think it's about time to re-do my room again. Because my bed is next to one of those bumb outs in the wall and it's making it hard to keep my blankets from slipping off. Meh. Crystal has her room super awesome. I think I may emulate hers.
So I'm thinking counseling would be good next term. I think I'm going to be a terrible patient seeing as how I have a superiority complex and I'm soooo smart, and I'm a psych minor and self diagnose way too much. Hahah. Oh well. Maybe they can help me figure out what problems are things I can't change and I need to let go of, and which are things I can change and help me figure out how I'm going to do that.
Meh. Ego.
SQUISH!
haha. oh, sad. I hate it when jokes remind you of other people you can't laugh with anymore.
Let's all be hermits and forget inside jokes.
Lame. Whatever. Oh well, I guess I'll just use my life experiences to write the next great American novel haha.
Whatever. Ok, time to do something else.
Luv ya wisps!

It's the fight people pay to see, not the reclining champ.

Me = here. Nice to feel that again.

Feel like crap though. Tummy = my enemy.

I am amazed that it is somehow wednesday. Brilliant.

PT test on friday. Suck.

Friends - correction: former friends who I trusted with everything who turned out to be selfish psychotic backstabbers who left me to rot in a pit of misery and self destruction where I doubted myself and hated myself and was so ridiculously stressed out I resorted to cutting. - they = suck.

NIN = Mmmmmm. Do you feel the truth in it? It's not hate or sick. It's the original industrial philosophising. Listen, don't judge.

Ch'ella mi creda = not just M, but involving some m progressions that make my inner self move.

Self-pity = suck. Also self-pity = neccesary and sometimes healing and you can't leave until your
ready nor should you. But it feels damn good to leave it. Damn good.

Being strong enough to take on the universe on my own and taking responsibility for my own existance = Amazing = Atheistness. Though I dislike the label. Religion sucks. Get over it.

Soldiers = some of the most real and alive people on the planet. Carpe diem. Really. Because life is fucking short.

Feeling good enough to express myself again instead of wallowing and whining = Priceless.

Everything else in the universe = also priceless. Oops.

... Kleptomania = fucking hillarious. Hard to deal with. But fucking hillarious.

Being a math nerd not in the sense that I spend my spare time looking up formulaes and such but in that I feel more comfortable expressing life in terms of equations... = beautiful.

Loving peole without getting anything in return = hard as fuck. But beautiful.

Rounds = silly.

Music = W00t! Hurrah for the fourth dimension, for without which, music would have no meaning. Nor would sound. Or much of anything. So let's have a fourth dimension fan club because there are far too many people who are all over the 3rd dimension.

Being obsessed with people = lame.

Being obsessed with self = annoying but perfectly reasonable way to spend your time.

Censorship = The Suck.

Sleep = a horrible horrible thing. It feels good, but damn, your life dissappears. It's like a little bit of giving up every day. A little bit of dying. It also is a beautiful break from chaos. Of course my dreams are wierder than hell most of the time.

I always get so bored on vacations. Or sick of doing too much. I think I would like no long winter or summer break, but rather more three and four day weekends. Yeah. Six day weeks, with four day weekends. Beautiful.

Saturday = Sleep time.

Not getting my math = :(

Having a broken neck = :(-*--- ouch (it's not really broken it's just out of allignment or something)

Guitar = happy

overused muscle in my left hand from playing way too much guitar = x(

Random super long blog posts = silly things to help you procrastinate. Yes you. The one reading.

Sudden boredom with whatever you're doing = funny as hell.

Bye bye bye bye bye.

Finals = the suck.

Myself

I feel like myself again today. Not sure who that is yet... but whatever it is, it's familiar right now. Wasted my entire day again. Felt good.
I'm already burnt out for this term. I hope I find a second wind somewhere, because I really need a break right now. I did try to study today, but my neck has this terrible crick in it and I took a whole gram of ibuprofen and it didn't even touch it so it sucks.
I'm really looking forward to starting off a new term. I remember back before this term crashed; I was happy (mostly), and healthy, and I got good grades with minimal effort. Perhaps that whole healthy and good grades thing would be a place to start, although healthy is slow coming. Every day has its downs, not just emotionally and all that drama stuff going on, but mostly physically I'm having trouble just surviving. At least I get a couple solid meals a day now with no backlash. Well it's about time for bed, so I'm wrapping this up.
Bye wisps.

So when it rains... get ready for a fucking hurricane.

I feel like vomiting right now. Yeah, food was kinda disgusting today. But I'm trapped in my obsessions with people again. I am so sick of this. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut, even when I'm under so much stress it makes me clingy and talkative. I really need to re-learn my ability to be a loner. I hate this.
I used to be happy. I think I was more self assured, more confident and I knew myself better back in those days. Maybe, maybe not. My friend told me once when I said that, that I was wrong and that I only thought I was better then because I'm naive and didn't know who I was in relation to the rest of the world. Probably true.
I don't understand how people are so shallow in their relationships and friendships. I think I threw everything of myself into these other people this time around, instead of keeping myself completely anchored around myself. I lost myself. But I gained a lot I guess. Why are people so afraid of taking those chances? Why can't they trust people with their hearts. Why can't people just relax and stop blaming each other for things we can't control?
And why the fuck does it always somehow end up being my fault? I'm pissed.
I hate myself more now than I ever have before. I've disappointed myself and made mistakes... but never have I truly looked at my reflection and felt so puzzled as to how this girl in front of me seems to be causing people so many problems and so much pain.
That's just it!
I've figured it out. I'm not meant to be a good guy. I'm supposed to be evil. I always did have that kleptomaniacal streak, and I enjoy a good violent movie, and machine guns, and blowing things up. And scorning people. And I can talk about myself a bunch. Well that's it! I guess I've figured it out; I will set out to become an evil mastermind.
No not really.
Whatever. Ok. Time for bedz.