Since you're head is higher than your feet, it sees the finishline before you've reached the top of the hill.

But that's ok. Because it will give your feet more spirit.
I've got a difficult final coming up, and a lot of work, but I finished my short story pending final review by friends and family. If you want to give me your critique, lemme know today, because it's due tomorrow morning.
But I'm so excited, because it's the first one I've ever finished.
Staff meeting was good last night. We did our duty schedules for finals week. It feels wierd that we're almost done.
I signed up for the Army for real yesterday. I am now a contracted cadet. Scary.
I'll try to get a copy of the picture from giving my oath.
Wow.
Things are just great. I mean, everything is ok.
Ok. Time to study for that final.

FUCK YES! I DID IT

I did it I did it I did it!!!!!!!!
AHHHHHHHHHH
Pushups
Min to Pass - 19
I did - 36
Situps
Min to Pass - 53
I did - 72

Run
.....
Min time passing - 18:54




MY TIME - 18:52


Now two seconds may not seem like a lot, but at the beginning of this term, I ran 20:31

And that was a good time for me!

I dug deep deep down into my heart, listened to the voices in my soul. Not the little nagging doubting voices, but the voices of my family and my friends who all said
"I believe in you!"
"The worst that can happen is that it will hurt."
"It's going to hurt. Let it go, live the pain and in ten minutes you won't have felt any of it."
"You CAN do it. I know you can."


Thanks wisps.

A good day

So, yesterday was a signifigantly cool day. I didn't have any classes, and so I spent some time in my room just relaxing. Hung out with some of my friends, goofing off.
I have some exciting news though. Remember how I was applying to be Senior RA in my building?? Well, despite not having been an RA for even a whole term, and being just a sophomore, I got the job. I think it's because I'm so dedicated to the hall, and that I still want to be there in the next couple years too.
It just made my day. I had a great day, did RA stuff closing down the buildings, and went home. So I'm hanging out here, and feeling good. Went for a good run this morning.
I just hope I can get all my papers written that are due on monday.
Oh well.
I think I'll take a nap, have pleasant thoughts, and enjoy my break. Of course I'll be going nuts before long, but it'll be great!
So what am I thankful for for thanksgiving? The entirety and essence of my day yesterday. Working with my friends and my staff, getting that great news, and just enjoying life.
Have a good one!!

Hmmmm, numbers. Yummy

So I don't know why, but I like numbers. Like this is the 82nd time for me posting.
I really wanna play Tenchu with Ermine right now. I'm sad, it's such a foggy day, and just like I like it when we have a weekend and just hang together.
I suppose Thanksgiving is coming soon.
But my back hurts a lot today, something is really out of place. Plus I felt really sick yesterday, so it just might be from coughing. I hope I feel better enough to run today, because that damn PT test is coming up so very quickly and I haven't felt like I improved at all.
Oh well.
I think I should watch firefly soon.
Oh, weekends are so very wonderful.

WHY CAN'T I RUN?

In all honesty, this is the first real hard thing I've had to work for in my entire life.
I am talented, strong, nice enough to look at, intelligent... and while all these things would get me through a happy, fufilling life, I seek that which I cannot do.
I think deep down I really do like to run. It's so natural. It's the epitome of survival once you've got the brains.
It's so very painful though. Every system in my body has a freak attack each time. They start off, one solo soprano, whose voice - though sharp and painful - can be accepted and affirmed. But then it becomes a duet, then a trio, and before long, All I have is hundreds of voices screaming with every fiber of their being inside my head.
I keep looking for excuses; my legs are tight, I forgot to eat, I'm tired... while all of those are factors, part of me sneers "You just fail."

Every
Time

So I have a week and a half, till my PT test. I can't do anything right now.
But if I can just pick myself up, and keep going... I guess what I'm trying to say is, I haven't quit yet.

Never
Never
Never
Quit

Shallow water makes it easier to stay afloat

So my blog is an obnoxious collection of events and surface feeling recently. That's fine, but I miss when I was able to pull out the deeper parts of what I was feeling at any given time.
Right now I hate how I feel. I feel powerless, empty, alone, irrationally moody, like a slob, fat, ugly, unwanted, tired, lesser than I thought I was.
My recent posts have been posted, because of procrastination, or a need to not feel completely disconnected from the world, but alas, they only make things worse.
Shallower water, its easier. You don't have to fight or struggle, it's calm, unaffected by the pull of the waters. It is strong, and simple.
I hurt too much to feel.
And the worst of it is that everything I feel, feels unjustified. Because I'm pretty much happy, I have food, shelter, college, some friends, many aquaintances. I have a lot. But I think the hardest part is that I don't know what I want. Most of the people on my staff are religious. In fact, there're only three people who aren't out of twenty. Every time we try to have a real conversation, we run into that. I hate being pushed away for my own ideas. I don't go to some of my classes right now, and worst, my PT test is coming up, and I just don't know if I can do it, and there's so much SO MUCH pressure for me to do it and people saying, "oh, that's easy" and everything I do gets me nothing or even makes it worse because I'm tired, and stressed, and alone.
And I don't know why I'm doing any of this, other than because I am.
So it hurts to think about any of this.
I have the re-arranging bug today too, which is a signal of great stress for me. I hope that tomorrow I can make some time to just do it, because that is a way that I cope, it is a release, so we'll see.
I just need a break, and I won't get one for three weeks or more, and it's only going to get worse from here on out.
I need to let go, and get to bed.
Anyone who reads this, I just want you to think for a moment about the people around you, and how hard everyone is fighting every day of their life. I hope you can just appreciate them just a little more. Take that ounce, and affirm them. I don't care if you think they're stupid, or you don't like their morals or politics. They are part of the universe too, and they just might surprise you.

Lab created emeralds are gems too!

I got an emerald ring. It's almost a centimeter by 1/2 centimeter. I like to wear it. It is size 10, which fits my big fingers. All stores like to carry is size 7 and 8.
I like ebay
But I can't use it anymore, or I will spend all my money. However, I am content with the ones I have.
It makes me smile.
Those things are important.

Brothers, I remember you.

Veterans day again. Stood guard at the vigil this morning. RA Duty phone in hand, haha. Too much duty for me. It was cold. I imagine they were cold, and hot, and in pain.
I always touch the black rock that is outside the fieldhouse that bears the POW/MIA symbol. I did it once when Master Sergeant Dunn was there, and he looked at me kinda funny.
"You do that? I thought only the airforce does that."
I didn't know, so I just shrugged. "I don't know who does it, but I do it."
Standing at that vigil is hard. It's cold and your arms burn and your toes hurt and your back aches. But it makes you remember and respect the memory of people who have given their lives before you.

Brothers, I remember you.

Headaches SUCK

I don't like my pillow. It used to be I couldn't sleep without it.... now, I just hurt.
MORE WORK TO DO THAN I WANT TO DO.
ok, procrastination will be over, as soon as I pop anoth 800 mg of Ibuprofen.
Wisps... lucky... don't have heads... damnit

Below the average.

Yes, that's right, my math midterm score was below the class' average. Me, the frackin genius, who just so happens to actually BE a math major.

BELOW THE CLASS AVERAGE.

*Sigh*

Of course, when you're in the honors college, the average is pretty high. Actually, its REALLY high... as in, 102.1% was the average.
I only scored 101%
Sooooooooooo so so so so sad.
Nooooooooooo nonono I didn't shout "YESYESYES!" when I saw the score... ok fine I did. Considering I was super stressed about it and all. Oh well.
College is great.

Well whaddaya know?

Life goes on.
I saw a reflection of what I felt earlier in a friend/colleague's eyes. She looked at me, "How you doing... Surviving?"
"Yep, just about."
She nodded, then said. "It's too bad, we fall in that mode of just surviving. That's no way to live a life."
Wise woman she is.
I walk through my days it seems, drawing myself aside to say "look at that spectacle. Good thing none of it's real."
I imagine myself staring at my other self, agog. Then I doubt reality again. Wonder how I made it this far on just whatever I threw together. I wonder why I can't find it within myself to run just a little better, to just get through whatever block is in my way. I wonder if there isn't a part of me that believes I'm a superhero, just waiting for my powers to emerge and make the mundane things irrellevant and easy. Or if I just don't want to succeed, because I'm afraid. I'm afraid of making a mistake, so if I fail before I can make the choice, I never make that mistake. And to fail out of ROTC would be the mistake I would most regret in my life.
Part of me just believes that it will happen because I want it to, that reality will just warp to my will. Or that reality doesn't exist, and it's all a dream.
Mostly I just don't understand why it hurts so much for me, or if I'm just a wimp, or if I'm a hypochondriac, or if that's just an excuse, or if I should just be able to go through the pain, that it's not too much. If running hurt like lifting weights or anything else, then I would be a pro, which I think is what it's like for other people. But not for me. I just wish I had a shortcut. And I wish it was easier to eat healthy here. There are so few healthy choices, and the unhealthy is shoved in your face all the time. And I'm stressed, so there goes two pounds I lost right back on. I feel heavy today, like my feet and shoulders hurt. I think I really need to focus on my diet more, because if I could drop 20 pounds, it would be SO much nicer to run I think, and less pain in my feet. I hope.
Ok, well, now that I'm done with midterms, I can haul myself out of this rut, and focus on cleaning up my act. Starting with my room. (It's SO MESSY.)
By y'all,
Wisps have fun tonight!