Sleep deprivation...

Lack of sleep and proper nutrition make things so much worse.
I am so damn tired right now that I can't sleep. I haven't gotten a full night's sleep for days and days, and when I'm awake, I do such meaningless things. To get off my whine box and climb up onto my soap box so that I may distract myself enough to eventually fall asleep, I give you my opinion on literature!
Behold:
I do enjoy reading philisophically pointless books. I refuse to be a literary snob. While it is all fine and good for authors to use characters to illustrate their morals and themes and ideas, I find it almost pretentious. If you have something to say, what you think, then say it. Organize it into an essay, or a psychological study or something. Just making up people and forcing them to support your vision of the TRUTH is just dumb. I dislike it intensely.
I enjoy romance novels. The good ones. Those are the ones that are probable, or even just possible... but believable. The best part is that they are stories for the story's sake. They aren't an analogy, they're not some fuzzy illusion drawn over the eyes of the people while a subliminal message is pumped through your brain. They are honest.
I like that I can read faster than life progresses. That is why books like this are entertaining. It is a chance to experience a different life, a different interaction. I don't need to read to get philosophies, I have it working out every day in my own life. That's all I want. I thumb my nose at you then, literature! Read Nora Roberts, forget those pretentious short stories, and go to sleep with a smile on your face and dreams of new people and exciting interactions.
People are what life is about.

Yackity-Yackity

Feelings, thoughts, what a bloody jumble.
You know, once my writing professor told me that using exclamation points is pretty much tacky. I agreed of course, but didn't realize until I saw my paper just how much I used them myself. Funny thing. A little humbling. I was just about to use one in that first sentence. So I didn't.
I need to follow my thought trains, they like to run away. Television does that to you.
It's sad that so many people are alone. So many people of both genders, just wishing for someone to reach out to them. My dad and my brother and I were joking about how "Wouldn't it be nice if we could have a 'save' and 'load' function for life."
And I said, "Can you imagine how many people would get together? If you knew that you could ask someone out and if you're rejected, you could just rewind."
My dad laughed.
Of all the things in the world that you could do, and take away your risk on, I choose relationships.
Funny.
Sometimes I have a very good grasp of how people work, how people percieve things, see interactions, how people feel, how things that are said can affect people... but it is such a hinderance. People go through life, saying things, unaware how they can hurt whomever they said it to. And sometimes those people are never hurt, but I see it, and I sympathize with that hurt, even empathize with it. A gift, a pain. And I suppose like any normal person, I fear pain. But I shouldn't. I should relax, feel. Be unafraid.
At random days I've felt an overwhelming urge to be getting married, starting having the five children I want. Being loved, loving, being allowed to be completely comfortable with who I am. I watched the movie, Shall we dance, I think. With Susan Sarandon, Michael Douglas, Jennifer Lopez... and it was fun, cute, whatever, but Susan Sarandon had this one line where this private investigator she hired asks her about her marriage... why she doesn't seem freaked over finding his secret, and she says something fantastic;

All these promises that we make and we break...why is it that you think people get married? Because we need a witness to our lives. There's a billion people on the planet, I mean what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you're promising to care about everything...the good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things...all of it, all the time, every day. You're saying... Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed, because I will be your witness.

I will be your witness.
That's all I ask.
That's all anyone really needs.

People are always wondering what the meaning of the universe is. People create gods to give them rules and structure to their lives. They worry that they will die. They worry that when they die it's all over. They worry that there is no point to anything they do, because it is akin to the flea they stepped on last week in the galactic scheme of things.
But that's too much. For me, all I want is a witness, and someone to be a witness for.

Last one was 86. Year of my birthday! This one's 87

So being that sick just completely drained me. I haven't had the energy to even think about posting.
Oh well, two-three days of rest and I'm all good now.
It's just about time to start going shopping and things. I'm excited, but I'm a little frustrated because all the last several times I've gone, my favorite store hasn't had anything for me.
New inside joke:
"They say?"
"Yes, they say."
Ok. Enough of that.
So I'm back home for anyone who wants to hang out and stuff. I'm going back to school around January 4th-6th. Call me soon though, because my schedule is filling up quick!
It's wierder when people aren't just in your class or down the hall. You all have my cell, but here it is again anyway. 503-515-5080.
If you need a shopping buddy too, you know I'm always game.

It's funny reading other people's blogs, when they talk about serious things, their feeling, events in the world. I purposefully stay away from most of those things. I guess that right now I'm just working on certain parts of my life and learning. I think it must be too much to handle to feel so deeply. But sometimes I wonder why I don't. I end up feeling numb most days, in an attempt to not hurt. I have this friend, who for the last three weeks we have spoken every day. He's ended up forcing me to face some things about myself that I didn't know or didn't want to face. I thank him for it, but it also makes me angry. And yesterday I didn't talk to him, breaking our three-week streak. Makes me sad. He probably doesn't care, or notice, which hurts to admit, but it may be not true and that might be a defense mechanism that makes me doubt everyone. Or maybe it's just tv shows that make me so wary of actual trust. Society's perception of itself, and the high-school-esque attitudes that get carried too far beyond high school.
I'm glad that where I'm at lets everyone drop that high school bs. But I've found that when I get really stressed, I start percieving things again the way I used to in high school, feeling upset at every glance, thinking everything is wrong.
Take my friend for instance, he has a girlfriend, and although I'm very attracted to him, I know that we couldn't ever have a relationship. But I worry and feel like he must think I'm annoying and clingy and he must think that I'm crazy about him. In reality, he probably realizes that we're both adults and can handle things. But I don't know, because I'm silly and very stressed from this crazy term. I just hope he feels like talking to me today.
So yeah. This is just going in circles. I'll just post and think and stuff.
K
Bye

Landmarks all

You new people to college, or those that will be new soon, know this.
There are many landmarks throughout your college years; the first time you call home in tears, your first good grade, your first bad grade, the first time you stay up all night, and so many more... but there are none worse short of physical damage or getting kicked out, worse than the first time you really get the flu.

Your mom isn't right there. Even if you call her, you'll only feel worse. Suddenly you realize that the overstocked medicine cabinet you scorned, or the simple presence of a loved one, are things you would give your left arm for.

I risk getting a B in a class today because I am too weak to get further than the bathroom.
I have no thera-flu, no mentholatum to ease congestion, no thermometer to make sure my temperature isn't dangerous, no heater to make sure I'm warm enough, no more blankets to pile on my bed, no chicken noodle soup. No saltines.
I can't take a hot bath, because there's no bathtub, or take a shower, because there's nobody to make sure I haven't drowned. Sure I have plenty of friends who would gladly come help...
but they have finals, and real responsibilities.

All of my skin hurts. That's when I know its really the flu, is when my skin hurts.
All my core muscles hurt, my neck. My legs will soon be useless...
and worst of all, I can't sleep, because my bed is colder than sitting here piled with blankets.

I just hope i can find something in my medicine drawer to help.

TAKE THERAFLU TO COLLEGE