Not so helpless

Right now however, I'm shaking so bad it's hard to type, and muscles in my back are randomly locking up and relaxing. But it feels right. Fridays are run days. I used to hate them. Now I think I will learn to believe in them. Depend on them.
Jessica and I went for a jog. It wasn't very fast or long, but enough to break a sweat and spend some time talking. I miss my friends. I know a ton of new people, but 90% of them can't be my friends for real because I'm an RA. Emilie is coming home soon from her national guard training. That will make me very glad.
It rained today on our run, it was beautiful. The sky was dark when we started, though the air was warm. A wind was blowing so even in the humidity it was almost comfortable. As time went on the sun rose far far away, and lightened the shield of black to a thick coverlet of gray. The steps pounded, the joints begged, the breaths rushed and gasped in the sound of the wind. The cars whispered like some other world, separate and intangible. The scuff of rubber on uneven pavement and the quiet words of encouragement shared between us. The wind pulls, breathes in and out, twisting in a momentary waltz before passing on to the next of us. Sweat trickles from our seams, we can feel our uniforms becoming more damp as they catch the cooling wind. Fire burns my cheeks as my calves tighten, laced with pain.
It feels so good when the first droplet hits. I feel like I must be so hot that the water has boiled away the instant it touched my skin. They are few at first; tiny bits of joy. But soon the others join them in their suicide attacks, bent on falling to ascend.
Litle little pinpricks of awareness, the world changes definition. The pounding knees, the whisper of nylon shorts. The gulps of O2.
The end pulls near, the rain peters out. But there, just for a moment, I smile while running.

And my fingers are shaking so badly it is taking me twice as long to type as it should. So I'm going to go take a shower.

63! Bah... why these numbers fascinate me so...

So I love my life.
Isn't that nifty. Sure I get down in the dumps, or tired, or frustrated...
But I'm so happy.
I've been kinda grouchy today... more self concious than anything. But I am learning to just do stuff, and not worry or think too much about it. They always teach you to go with your instincts anyhow, so why not now?
Anyway, I had two classes today. One of which ended one minute after its scheduled start time. Blech. At least it gave me the extra hour I needed to go pick up my gear at the fieldhouse. The new supply officer is nifty.
I only have a little longer before I go to my last class of the day, which is two hours long, but should be possibly my most enjoyable class this term. It's exciting. In fact, I need to grab some food and be off to class! Drat!
But whatever.
Anyhow, wisps are invited to come along as they please.

0:05

These few days before college starts are kinda nice, I have a chance to stay up late if I want to. But I would almost rather sleep and get all caught up.
One of my residents just came out of the elevator as I passed by looking for a poster. She's a new gymnast here at OSU. She had her arm in a sling.
"What happened?" I felt like an idiot, but I really did care.
Then she said, "So where have you been, I haven't seen you in a while."
Bam.
That one hurt. I felt like a heel. It's hard with so many people and then me having to be at the desk all the time. I hope I can mend our relationship.
I think I'll invite her to hang out with me, although being an athlete, she has plenty of friends, but maybe she'll enjoy hanging out with me.
I feel like I suck at being an RA, which is stupid, because it's my first week, and things are going well as I can do right now. But I've had to do some personal stuff, like go up to Fort Lewis, and get a wavier for my hand. Very important, but I wish I could have been here more.
I need to get some more sleep. And then I need to find out what I can do better and do it, instead of moping.

Still Dragging

So I got some more sleep last night, but I'd had so much caffine from my tea party last night (which was a great success by the way) I couldn't sleep right away, and my dreams were not quite restful. I'm starting to feel self concious and tired right now.
I think I'll sleep some more and then try to post a little more later.

1:37

So I just did my first set of full rounds as an RA.
It was frustrating, because we did it for three and a half hours straight. Plus Jen and I are having difficulty seeing eye to eye today. She was pissing me off a lot. I kept my cool, mostly anyhow.
It was long, my feet hurt. I know now to always wear good shoes on rounds. I'm just really glad I can sleep in tomorrow.
Well, I thought I ought to document my experience today.
I really really really wanna go to sleep now.
Bye Wisps

This sucks.

So I went for a run this morning. I didn't want to go, but I kinda did, so I woke up right before 7 and hurried downstairs. Crystal and Josh were waiting on a couple friends, so I decided to run with them instead of just by myself. I couldn't keep up after the first half mile or so, but it pushed me out and was quite fun. So I get done with the run, and we go towards breakfast. I get all the food I want and go to pay... and there's nothing in my pocket.
I knew I had grabbed my ID cards, my liscence, my student ID, my laundry card, and my meal card.
All of it was gone.
So I looked around. Nothing.
Went outside. Nothing.
Went up to my room, retraced my steps. Nada
Retraced my steps for 2MILES back out again on the route I ran.
Not a hint of anything.
I really hope that whoever picked them up decides to give them to the service center, or someone soon and doesn't forget. That's the worst, because if they had left it, I would have been able to find it on my second outing, but if they pick it up, they gotta find me. Or I'll cry.

Wisps... help that person find me!

A Dedication

This post is dedicated to Ryan. My Friend.
Thanks Ryan, you have no idea - you really don't - how much that means to me. You wouldn't think that the training would be the hard part of the job, but it's going heavy. I think I cried three times today, in front of everyone. I mean, we were doing bonding stuff... but I was really stupid. Plus I'm really empathic, so I pick up on other people's emotions so I was way down low.
But I think it brought us all closer together. I hope so.
But seriously, Ryan, you are one of the most sincere people I've ever met, and I think that comes from your understanding that life is to precious and precarious to waste any of it. I just want to thank you for being my friend, because I know you mean it, for real, not just counting me among your aquaintances.
And now I'm crying again... wow, emotional times.
So Ryan, any time you feel like bustin out of Hillsboro, you have my full permission to come down to OSU and visit me, and you can even sleep in one of the rooms (I have access to a master key now! MUAHHAHAHA) so when you get your liscence or if you just want to kick Ermine's butt into getting off his and coming to visit me with him that would be really cool!
I really gotta go to sleep now,
but Ryan?
Thanks

Midway through my new confidence

So, it's been a few days. These days were completely full, 12 to 14 hour days... plus my own time running in the mornings.
I went running every weekday this week. I let myself sleep in today because of the sleep deprivation coming along from all the work this week, and to give my muscles some time to heal up. Then I proceded to make really cool door decorations and a bulletin board that together took me from 9:00 to 4:00 to make. But all 28 of my rezzies have names and cool door decorations.
Then I cleaned up my room, did some more work... I painted for a couple hours... completed a miniature color-patch piece (it would make sense if you had seen the original)
It's hanging up in my room now. I'm excited to think that I can make so much art so easily now that I have a little art area. It's exciting.
I am currently just finished with my first set of rounds as an RA. It was cool... and easy since nobody's here but us RA's. So if my first set started at 10, and I got done at 11:20, then imagine what it'll be like with residents here and stopping to chat all the time. We have three buildings to canvass, three basements, three outsides to check. Fun though.
I'm just not looking forward to the late nights on the days before PT if they do happen.
I am exhausted. The day went by very quickly, and my back hurts. I miss my computer chair. This wooden chair leans back instead of supporting, so I end up hunching for my computer. My head is heavy, my neck complains about it a lot. haha.
I found my poker chips. They were with my food. So a perfectly logical place, right?
Haha. I love my staff. They're all really cool people. Almost to the point where I feel boring. Wierd, right? But seriously, there's nothing really unique here about me. Justin does ROTC too, Crystal does Kempo - and still practices, other people can do art too, many of the staff workout and run, Joel does computers, Kevin's the nerd in charge of all the cool movies and dvd's, even Evelyn is the quiet one... I'm feeling a little lost, because I have been doing so very much outside interaction with lots of people, I've been having to define myself socially more and more. Usually I can just rely on my talents, but not this time. My core self is having to work on translating itself to real-world, and it's a hard transition.
You know how you have words that you've read throughout your life, and in your head they sound one way, and then out loud they're different... like chaos, facade, segue... etc. That's what it's like for me now. My personality is one way in my head, but coming out, I have less than fluency.
Ah... that's also silly.
I love my graphics tablet, my camera, my laptop, my artist's easel, my paints, my music, my water heater-cooler-fridge, my new hamper, my ability to paint, and to write, I love my pictures on my wall, and my new room, and my external hard-drive, and my claddagh ring, and my tea, and my mugs, and my new hairbrush, and my new confidence.
Here's to its longevity!

Alone

You know, sometimes I envy those of faith, those who believe they have someone there always looking out for them, always understanding them. Feeling like someone's got their back.
I was struck last night how completely alone I am. There's nobody I can talk to, nobody I trust enough to share more than a piece of myself. I wish our world wasn't like that.
Perhaps it is merely that I am surrounded by strangers, with training hours that give me no time to myself except during my runs in the morning. The more people we add to the staff (our total is now 19, vs the original 12. Most other halls will have 10 or less) the more people's facades come up. Their fake personalities. I was enjoying the individuals, making new friends... but now some of them are just the class clowns.
I thought I would have time to paint... just a little, maybe every other day.
It's too bad really. I guess I'll just have to make the time instead.
Well. Perhaps I'll post again later tonight.

wisps... where are you?

Bad Luck day... hope it turns good

Ah, the early days... when you don't have a clue when the food court hours are, and you aren't bright enough to just go look and remember... sigh... It's a good thing I grabbed that milk yesterday at dinner, because now I'm eating cereal out of a tea bowl. And it just wouldn't work without the milk.
Meh.
I spilled my hot chocolate, ran out of water, missed the breakfast times by 10 minutes... it can only go up from here, right? At least my hair sorta looks ok... but I'll probably humiliate myself before the end of the day.
No, no if I say it, it'll come true... so no, I will have a great day and be fabulous and charming and everything will be just peachy!
YAY!

Back again for more (Glutton for punnishment?)

So here I am, sitting at my nice new desk in my nice new room wearing about a gallon of sweat now that I'm back inside where it's not freezing. I had a great run. It was probably only a mile - mile & 1/2, but I had a great stride, I was on my toes... I was RUNNING not just jogging around. Plus my calf was really tight this morning when I woke up, and part of me was like... let's just skip today. So I just said out loud "YOU CAN'T MAKE ME!" and so I went. Felt good to want to go. And then running got my circulation going and now my leg is happy. Hah!
I moved in to my new room yesterday with the help of my parents, Karla, Jon (another RA who was here for the summer), and my Baby toting RD; Emily.
It took forever, but we finally got everything into the truckbed. Except for a few thing that I didn't bring because there just wasn't enough space for papers that had to stay flat and my cool canopy thing I built. The ride was uncomfortable and nerve wracking.
So we get here, and we're all excited now. At least I'm no longer hiding my face in my hands. We go up to the door and I call Emily to let her know we're here, and she comes out with my keys and forms and stuff. And she gives me some bad news,
THE ELEVATOR ON MY SIDE IS BROKEN.
You see, Hawley-Buxton is half of the quad, which is a big square ring. Each of the four corners is a dorm. Hawley-Buxton is one, poling another, and cauthorn the last. In the middle is a great courtyard. So in order to get my stuff to my room (which is three doors away from the elevator on my side) we have to go a dorm and a half away to use that elevator and haul everything back to my room.
I get up there, and there's Emily again.
"Guess what, the cleaning crews didn't do what they were supposed to, so your floor isn't swept and one of the beds is broken."
So she goes to get a broom and tools and I take the stuff to my room.
No biggie, I always have dust anyhow. I am not very good at that whole thing. Also, I only wanted the one bed, so that was fine... it was just funny and inconvenient.
But I got all my amazing ammounts of stuff (And NO, 'Stuff' is not a euphemism for crap in this case, I have a use for EVERYTHING) :P
But that was cool, my room is a mess because nothing is put away yet except for my clothes. But I'll do that after I wash all this sweat off.
I had some trouble falling asleep, but I settled down ok. I have one of those cool european style windows. But unfortunately, the food center loading zone is RIGHT outside my window. It woke me up this morning at 6. But my favorite thing, is that when I CLOSE the window... it's REALLY quiet. Soooo happpy.
Anyhow, feel free to call me or whatever. Y'all know my cell 503-515-5080


Hey wisps