Lame update

So things have been going pretty well. As usual a bunch of stress and problems, and some really amazing things.
My birthday is coming up on wednesday, and it's the first time I'll be away from home for my b-day, and it's a little sad. I'm turning 20. It's so wierd that I'm going to be at my second decade. Part of me feels so young, like I'm still just this teenage girl, and part of me laughs because I've been trying to live life like a twenty-something for years.
I think I'm gonna throw a birthday party on friday, the 4th at Tim's new place. I just can't think of a good theme.
Dude, I want to go to bartending school. That would be awesome so I could be a bartender and never have to do like a lame job. Too bad I'm always getting up at 5:30. That wouldn't work so well.
So the campus switched to pepsi. Which means for some reason that they got rid of vitamin water. They replaced it with sobe lifewater. WHICH IS HORRIBLE. They're all the same ingredients just with other flavors, which taste like they have splenda in them. EWWWWW.
Anyway, I'm mad.
But no biggie anymore, since I have now decided to stop being an RA and move off campus near most of my friends and cut out of my life all this ridiculous stress and large ammount of work.
Just gotta find a place to live that I can actually afford.
Whatever.
Time to go study for my awesome social psychology class.... yeah, the first test? I set the high score. I set where 100% was marked. Pretty much awesome. Just goes to show that I belong in psych more than math.

Nothing at all

It's funny how pain(everything) isn't like in the movies. It's no singing of emotion, no pure surge of purpose despite the hurt. Instead it feels like crumbling. Like slipping. Like there's nobody watching, and there never will be. You see the pain coming, and you freeze, hoping just for a moment that it will mean something. But there it is. Nothing. Blankness. Gone.
The world continues away, lost. You try to find stillness. Let it fall. Nothing comes, if you are only in the present. Nothing comes if you are only in the past. It is already gone by the time you get there.
Camera angles aside, what is it we capture every day with our memories? Is it real? Is what we see and feel worth anything? When you're down, and they kick you again.
There's no music.
No soundtrack.
No continuous script.
So little to be sure of.

It's like shaking. Shaking, jerking around, a spasmodic twist and groove. Like you're trying to hold on and let go at the same time and it doesn't matter because your strapped in anyway. Like part of you is falling, drifting gently down like ashes in the wind. Yet part of you is expanding, like a shattering of sparks. Part of you is turning, turning and spinning more and more and yet you are still, so absolutely dead still you can't close your eyes and hide from it. Like you're melting and you can't breathe while you hyperventillate, while you face away.
And I wonder why I still feel it, when I've been free and loved and happy. Is that real? Is that part of me? Or am I part of it?
Or am I just sleep deprived and my neurons are firing randomly?
Do I really not wish to sleep, or is it that my bed is empty for one night that keeps me awake. What a gift. What a beautiful beautiful thing. To be loved, to be cared about, and sometimes cared for. Now the only thing left to do is keep it from becoming a crutch.

I'm rambling. It's been a while. Been too all over the place to talk lately. It's summer. I hate summer, and I love it. My birthday is in 2&1/2 weeks. That's always nice.
I'm going to go shower and do my nails and stuff. Be girly.
Call me if you want to talk, I'm on and off from computers.