Post number Five-Zero

I feel like a shadow. A shadow of who I once was, a shadow of who I'm supposed to be. I feel weak, my id is taking control. You can tell by the gummie bears on the desk, the running shoes that haven't been touched in days.
It used to be that I could just guilt myself into trying.
I only had one thing I wanted to get done today. Set myself an easy goal; just sand down the cabinet you worked so hard to build, and put another coat on.
One thing.
Can you believe I didn't do it, didn't finish this beautiful piece I've worked so hard on? Of course. I feel broken, tired, angry, disappointed.
Fifty posts. That surprised me. Time is certainly passing too quickly. My birthday is coming up. Nobody cares.
I think I'll go to bed, and try to start tomorrow well rested and ready to get things done.

6:35 am

I like this time. I get some peace with the world. It is cool, and quiet... nobody's telling me to do anything yet or crushing any of my dreams.

I like how the sky is less than infinite here. It is attainable, I can grasp at it when I feel lost, find my way up.
The midwest is not like that. Those of you who live here in oregon have no idea how lucky you are if you've never been outside of here. Moderate climate, trees and life and water...
You can see for 30 miles straight some places in wyoming, or colorado or utah. Terrible.
croissants are good
running is too hard
summer isn't cool. I had the wierdest dream last night, that the cheerleaders from this year's seniors threw a party for for their seniors, but it was the same night my class had a party for one of my friends who was having a singing concert. they were so bitchy.
Rabbits are funny.
Birds are crazy. You know the chickadee? chick-a dee-dee-dee, you hear them. People thought that that was just their simple call, that had no meaning or variation. A young scientist found otherwise, at levels of sound that we can't hear, they communicate so much, from the type, size, and number of the predators, to how much and what type of food is present.
People assume so much. Everything is so very complicated.
And now I shall start my day