I didn't need that

I am so tired. I haven't been able to sleep well. I'm starting to get depressed. I wanted to be able to run so badly today. It didn't work. Every time I started to jog, a sharp pain grew in my stomach. I would try to push through it, but it only got worse until I slowed down and walked for a while. My leg still hurts from last week. I don't know what to do. I know my subconcious is sabotageing me. I'm just so tired that I can't do anything. And now I need to quit bitching, take a nap, get some food, and tackle my day with the confidence and competence I know I have.
Wisps, help me out today.

TOO CHEERFUL

I'm way too cheerful for the day I've had. Woke up to find my floor vandalized again. But two of my residents owned up to their part and cleaned it up. Went to Psych, got my time wasted. Worried about figuring out a section of math that wasn't even on the test, but forgot a part that I really needed. Got ice cream, but it was melty. Got coffee, but it wasn't well mixed. Took a test but wasn't exactly successful. Hope my bs is more lucky than usual. Of course, my math bs is always more spot on than other stuff, which is why I'm a math major. Y'know, innante gift is kinda nice. My sense of style is completely crap right now. But I had a great conversation for like an hour with one of my residents that I thought didn't like me anymore. I was right to think that everyone is just super stressed with killer midterms right now. But I made it, this week, this killer week, I got to Friday afternoon. I may be starting another one in a couple days, but hey, that's next week, and I'll handle it then. I just made it through this week and that's all I asked. Wow, I'm in a happy mood. Caffiene will help, but I'm just a little more stable right now in general. But I just sat there in math, laughing at myself for forgetting an important part of my notes. I just laughed. My professor knows me, and that I'm a math major, and he's seen my work before. He smiled when he saw me laughing and smacking my head. That made me want to laugh harder. Haha. Oh well. I'll just have to memorize the answers when I go into class monday and finish the midterm. hahah. ok. Need to ... i forgot what I need to do. OOH SHOPPING

Wow.

Wow wow wow.... those moments, when life just hits you...
I was reading this blog of a freshman that gets posted on the UHDS website here, and all those little things freshmen worry about came rushing back, and all of the sudden I felt old.
One of my residents just said "You're the best. I just don't know what I'd do without you!"
Those things are important.
I want to be the Senior RA since our last one just vacated the position. It feels wierd to admit my ambition, and I may or may not have a chance at it, but for once I'm making the choice to try for something I want and not be ashamed for trying. I think it's silly how I've always been so scared of these things. Right now I'm not so much worried about not getting that - I can handle the word NO. But what I am worried about is how the rest of the staff might see my wish, if they would think it's completely ridiculous, and scorn me. But I just have to take that risk, because it's a great opportunity to take a step up and out. So yeah... that's cool. I guess.
After this week is over, I think things will be a lot easier. But I'm suuuuuper worried about my Math midterm, because I'm having trouble keeping up. Mostly, I'm stressed and that makes it difficult to get myself to just sit down and study. I'm coming up with new, more forcible habits for my studying, because when I get to my room, I never get anything done, so I need to set rules and stuff.
Also, my BIG PT TEST is in four weeks. Exactly a month from friday. So I really need to be running every day and worst, I hurt my quad or something. So yeah. I need to lose weight so it'll be easier to run and... yack. I've already lost 6 lbs since I got here, so that's not too bad, and I haven't been gaining/losing/gaining/losing here, it's been pretty steady despite what I expected. But you can tell I'm stressed, because all I want to eat is fatty sugary stuff. Happens when I'm stressed. I'll just have to watch that. Oatmeal seems to be working well, as well as the early dinners again, unlike over the summer.
Wow, all those things. I feel almost numb, just from overload of senses. Hopefully I'll survive this week, and then I'll be done for just a little while.
I really want to go running today. I got a cool issue of runner's magazine in my awesome care package from my mom. It had lots of good tips and interesting information about shoes and other things. Made me want to just run like 5 miles. Which I will try to do tomorrow. If my leg is any better. I think I strained a muscle. It sucks.
I want to try to run for at least three miles every day, minus break days. It would be really great. We'll see. PT makes it hard, although my pushups really need some work for some reason. I lost all my strength. I'm so lazy about m'pushups. Though there's something wierd with the angle recently, so maybe I just need to re-train my brain. MEH.
Anyhow, I should get to my math.
<3 the wisps

Life, the universe, and spiders.

I have a pet spider. I don't keep him in a cage and torture him with limiting his existance. He is probably a she, but his name is Phil.
Phil lives outside Hawley quad-side door. Not too much human traffic goes through there, but Phil is smart. Phil is very big. Her abdomen is the size of a nickel. Phil is big because she is smart. Phil makes big strong webs that you can't see because you are distracted by the brightness of the lights around the door. This is why Phil is big.
Phil listens to me talk. I sit on the little brick ledge next to the door and look up to the stars, and Phil sits and busily knits her web of brilliance. I accidentaly broke her anchor strand once. It felt like a strand of elastic it was so strong. She forgave me I think, but for three days she pouted, curled up into a ball in the corner of the light fixture. It was raining a lot, and I don't think she had much luck fishing. But now she's back, stretched out in all her copper glory, waiting for her next meal and thinking up ways to make her web just that much prettier.
My poor Phil. She is sometimes my only friend. I wish I could have a pet. My plants are very nice, but they don't talk. Although I think they like the recording of the thunderstorm I play next to them. They have grown healthier since then.
I just hope nobody hurts Phil, out of fear or spite. I hope she can just continue to exist, and I hope she's happy.

dead dead dead

Oh, I am soooooooooooooo so very sore. Sitting hurts, breathing hurts. And this is after just one day of training with Master Sergeant Dunn. Today we did more sprints in PT, and soon I'm going to call MSG Dunn and see if he's there. So he can kill me again.
I wish running were just a little easier, but I think I'm starting to realize that it is always getting easier, it's just that the bar is still way high. For me that is. It's depressing to think that my goal is just above failing. Of course my real goal is maxing. Ack.
MSG Dunn told me yesterday, that something is holding me back, something in my head. He wonders because he never sees me at that point of desperation, that gasping for one more breath like I've given it everything I've got. I think partly I'm good at hiding it, and partly he's right. But I don't know what it is, it's like I'm not completely sure that this is real.
I am too tired to think anymore. I'm going to rest.

Six nine....

Seven Zero situps...Whoa. PT is awesome. I decided I'm an idiot for thinking I can keep up with RC and my own life too. I quit. It makes me feel like I'm a stupid loser quitter. But I don't care. I need my grades, and my sleep, and my sanity.
Wierd dream last night.
I woke around 2330, groggy, strangled. I had just been having a dream that scary animals had crawled into my bed under my sheets and were pinning me down because if I moved I would wake them and they would hurt me. But I couldn't breathe either. It turned out that my sheets were tangled and my quilts too many and too heavy. And too warm.
But I couldn't breathe either. My tongue felt oddly swollen.
It happened later on the run this morning too, felt like my tongue was too big. Maybe I was slightly allergic to something I ate for dinner, or maybe my lymph nodes are swollen.
The run felt really good. Parts of it sucked, but I did rather well for most of it. MSG Dunn was in a feather this morning, and he was really pushing us. It was great.
Anywho, I've got to get a move on my day.
Luvs to the Wisps

Weekends... once relaxing, now more work than ever

So this was the devil of all college weekends for us RA's here in HBP.
Blech, I got woken up at two last night to deal with a situation, which didn't get resolved in the end because the girl ran off into some trees and out of our reach. I come back to go to bed, and Amy comes by to let me know that there's nasty puke in the sink in the guy's bathroom across the way from my room. So we post a sign and I try to go back to bed. It's about 3:30 now. At 4:00, I wake up again to an odd, but familiar, sound. I look out my window, and sure enough; West hall's fire alarm is going off.
blech.
Someone also ripped my bulletin board for like the fifth time.
Hopefully today will be really good and I'll get all my work done so I can be relaxed tomorrow.
Ha ha ha, right.
oh well.
:)

66 Days left

Till christmas! Haha. I'll probably end up with jury duty. But that's kinda like a present in itself, I've always wanted to be on the jury! I got a notice in the mail that wanted me sometime this month, which is ridiculous, I probably have a midterm then! But yeah, so they accepted my request for it to be moved to the latter half of december, so that'll be nice, especially if I stay here this summer to keep up on classes.
Last night was eventful; I was hanging out at the Buxton desk with Amy, the RA on duty. We were just doing RA stuff and hanging with a few of her friends. Ryan came down, since he was running for hall council president. Then we got into a little sparring match, and I managed to take a stupid shot with a kick and he crunched my ankle right on the top of it above my instep. So it's swollen and hurting, but it'll be better soon. About then, we start hearing people screaming in the elevator. It turns out that some REALLY BRIGHT people had decided to jump at the same time inside the elevator containing 15 people. So it shut down, you know, keeping them from plunging to their death. So it took about 45 minutes of calming histerics and Amy running things like a pro to get the RMF guy here to fix it and let them all out. Just as I was calling the RD on duty to let HER know that everything was OK, THE FIRE ALARM STARTED GOING OFF.
So we get everyone out of the building. 3/4 of the RA staff is outside, 3 fire trucks, all the state troopers on their bikes... everyone was there. Because someone had hit a sprinkler with a lacrosse ball. YAY.
So then I was too energized, it was 0030 before I finally fell asleep. Didn't go to PT because of my ankle. So now I'm here.
I'm having a good time here at school thus far. Had my first midterm an hour or so ago. It went quite well minus the spelling errors of the questions and one question that was doubled up on. But there were only a few that were confusing, or I couldn't remember, so yay, another easy A coming up.
That leaves me time to work on my short story for my writing class. This is what is really the most exciting for me. I wasn't happy at first because my professor had us purchase a cassette tape to go along with our assignments. I was not terribly excited about trying to find a cassette player within my comfortable reach. Fortunately with a little TLC, the cassette player part of my boombox still works, although I did have a scare there for a while where it swallowed part of my tape. My professor records his thoughts about our assignments directly onto the tape, so that I can get all the inflections and potential thoughts he had about my project. So it's really nifty, and I just remembered that I have an awesome headphone-out - to - microphone in cable so I can rip the sound from the tape to an mp3. YAY.
Ok, back to work for me!
Squishes for Wisps

Whoa

Yeesh. So apparently, I'm illiterate.
It's true! The grammar mistakes that I've been making in my writing class are considered MAJOR sentence faults. Hahaha. I love it. Of course I know I make these mistakes, but it cracks me up that the A paper in the class has lots of gramatical problems. I just read my blog post from last week, so it makes sense the errors I made considering how tired I've been.
Had the PT test. Didn't pass. Did much better than I have in the past.
Stuff is way hard, you can tell because I re-arranged my room. I do that when I get stressed. Would you believe I feel ten times better now?
Ah, well I have a midterm in two days, so it's study-time!
G'day Wisps!

20 Frakin' hour days

So I hate 20 hour days, that start with five hours of sleep and end in 6 more before your next long day. I have a PT test on monday, but I'm so tired now I don't think I'm going to wake up till next friday. I have a great deal of homework to do. I want to cry. I want to chicken out from everything. It's pretty bad this time. I know my confidence slips when I get tired, but I'm just sitting here not sure I can make it to everything. Gack.
I have hardly spoken to my family this week, I'm running around like crazy or too tired to hold a conversation. I think I need a nap, but I can't stand the thought of losing any of that time between now and when I next have to do something stressful.
I don't even want to talk anymore.
Bye.