Waiting

I spend so much time just waiting. Sitting in the car, listening to the rain and watching the steam rise off the hood. Smelling the fuel choked fog and the musty scent of age and soured water. The same images repeated in the mind, the senses absorbing the world, hoping that the next time the data will be different and interesting. It never is. Breathing slows, thought wanders but somehow the burn of just sitting there like a toy on a shelf takes over.
So much of my life is spent in aprehension or running away. I just want a break. Over and over I keep thinking that. I can smell christmastime in the air. Thanksgiving hasn't arrived yet even, and yet thoughts of pumpkin pie and blankets and movies with the family pull at me. And it'll be over too soon. Before I know it I'll be back here, waiting on the floor till I am ready for the day or till it's ready for me. Usually the latter. This morning I sat with Tim flipping channels while eating breakfast, and feeling how desperately I wanted the next 8 hours to just dissappear. So I could be there sitting on the couch again, playing games again, eating again. Enjoying life.
I'm waiting right now, waiting for my computer to download, upload, install, all sorts of things. Soon I'll be packing up for class. Too soon, then coming home to start over again.
I can only take ahold of what I have. I have to, or I remember how much nicer it is to do nothing.

Waiting

I spend so much time just waiting. Sitting in the car, listening to the rain and watching the steam rise off the hood. Smelling the fuel choked fog and the musty scent of age and soured water. The same images repeated in the mind, the senses absorbing the world, hoping that the next time the data will be different and interesting. It never is. Breathing slows, thought wanders but somehow the burn of just sitting there like a toy on a shelf takes over.
So much of my life is spent in aprehension or running away. I just want a break. Over and over I keep thinking that. I can smell christmastime in the air. Thanksgiving hasn't arrived yet even, and yet thoughts of pumpkin pie and blankets and movies with the family pull at me. And it'll be over too soon. Before I know it I'll be back here, waiting on the floor till I am ready for the day or till it's ready for me. Usually the latter. This morning I sat with Tim flipping channels while eating breakfast, and feeling how desperately I wanted the next 8 hours to just dissappear. So I could be there sitting on the couch again, playing games again, eating again. Enjoying life.
I'm waiting right now, waiting for my computer to download, upload, install, all sorts of things. Soon I'll be packing up for class. Too soon, then coming home to start over again.
I can only take ahold of what I have. I have to, or I remember how much nicer it is to do nothing.

Titles, as if things can be so succinctly summarized.

If they could be, wouldn't we?
Maybe not.
So, life is very difficult right now. Classes are harder than they should be. I am currently sick as a dog, and have various medical problems that are crushing me. Money is very tight, and financial aid just cut my award in half for no reason. I have less than 20 days before my last chance PT test which may be a matter of life or death. If I fail again I will likely get shipped off as an enlisted soldier to die in Iraq as a grunt.
I am so tired and humiliated in ROTC four days a week it makes me wish I never woke up.
I am so angry with my dad right now for pressuring me into this position. My medical issues have done the damage to my discipline and motivation that make it almost impossible for me to succeed. I may not be perfect this way, but to fix this so that it will work for the military will destroy me. The person I am now will be gone. Just gone and dead.
I am in so much pain at any given moment of the day, I can't stand to add to it by working out.
Treatment comes too late. I have never hated my life more.
There are many good things but too many horrible things.
I need help and there's none left.
I don't know what to do.